Another year has passed, mainly with silence on this blog. 2018 was not the year I had hoped it to be when I wrote last year’s post. A lot happened as expected, and there were lots of high points, but for me, it just didn’t seem to be my year.
The start of 2019 finds me largely in the same place I was last year. I’m in the same job, which should have changed 18 months ago, but my boss made a promise, and then let me down, and I haven’t moved. (Someone in HR referred to me as the ‘stuckee’ person, and I swear I’m going to scream the next time someone points out that I’ve been in my job a long time).
I’m coming up on 4 1/2 years in a job that would burn out ordinary people in 3. And as of right now, there is no sun on the horizon. I’m being a team player and waiting for a problem to get resolved, but once that happens (later this month), I’m going to start making a lot of noise about it.
At least that’s what I tell myself. The reality is probably quite different, and I’ll continue to be the team player and let things happen to me. I don’t know, though, as I seem to spend every day driving to and from work thinking about how I’ve been neglected, and trying to decide that it’s time to leave the company. If something doesn’t change soon, I may need to do that, if only for my own sanity.
And, of course, there’s fitness (or lack thereof). The other major disappointment last year was a marathon that I ran, and ran badly. I say ‘ran’ but the reality is that I walked the last 8 miles. I wasn’t trained enough, I’m carrying a lot more weight than I used to, and I’ve lost a lot of fitness these last 5 years, the last two especially, given my longer commute and very long days at work. In the last two years, I think my workload has increased by about 20%, with no let up in any responsibilities. So even when I’m home, I’m stressed, and I spend almost every night with my laptop open doing e-mails.
So that’s why I’m writing tonight - to convince myself that it’s time to change things. To focus on me a bit more. To drop the 20 pounds my doctor said I need to (now probably 25). To put my own priorities first, and focus on the joy of achieving them. To join my wife, who is probably as fit as she’s ever been. I convinced her to run a half-Ironman triathlon with me this year, and she’s training better than I am. At this point, I’m hoping to find the time to train properly, and finish the course again.
Yes, right now, I’m down on myself. Unlike much of last year, I do see opportunities to get better though. Last year was a really rough year for me, mentally and emotionally. I was let down by someone else, and I let myself down as well. This year can totally be different, even if just because I walk in with a different mindset, a different attitude, and a different way of handling my stress. I won’t say that writing will become an outlet for me (see my various other false starts) but something must.
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