Father's Day Fit

I spoke earlier on the blog about my using Lent to get control of my habits, and of my weight issues.  That worked really well for me, right up until Lent ended.  It was then that I realized that my efforts were based on pillars of sand.  

I was looking to really change my diet – not in the “I’m on a diet for a few weeks” style, but try to make fundamental changes to my eating habits, and my exercise habits.  For six weeks they worked, but Easter came, and out came the excuses.  First, it was Easter, with the chocolate and the release of Lenten promises.  Then came a wedding, and my birthday, and those made for reasons to eat outside of my new norm.

But that was only a week, and I could totally have recovered.  But then the quarter close came at work – these come four times a year, and require a lot of focused effort and energy, and also a lot of time – 12-16 hour days for 7-10 days are not unusual.  So I tend to eat dinner (sometimes all three meals) at the office, and I’m not known for making the best decision when I’m tired and faced with lots of food items I enjoy.  This cycle was particularly bad, as we had multiple birthdays, baby showers, farewell celebrations, etc. that put temptation in front of me on a regular basis.   

After that, I went on vacation for a week, and thought I would use this as a time to do less eating and more workouts.  Thanks (in part) to a pulled muscle a few days before vacation, that didn’t work out on the workout side, and the experience of travel (and the desire for freedom that comes with it) left my menu plans in the dust (with no criticism to my wife, who was trying to help me at every turn).

While I have demonstrated an ability to say “No Thank you” on many occasions, this time, I lacked the will for the last month.  All of the weight that I managed to lose ahead of Easter has piled back on, and I’m unhappily back over 200 pounds.  I feel disappointed, angry, and a bit helpless (which I know is not true).  

Do I have a plan?  Of course I do (don’t I always)?  Now that the quarter is over, and I’m fresh from vacation, I’m going into this next month with all good intentions.  Scheduling more exercise, carving out time in my calendar for it at work, adding more strength and core exercises, and truly limiting my caloric intake (doing a ‘hard stop’ at 1500 calories – meaning if I hit that limit, I’m done eating for the day).   It’s going to require discipline, which I know I have if I put my mind to it. 

The one conflict is that I know that I need to commit to this for a long period of time (think 6-12 months), but that idea is exhausting.  Thinking day-to-day doesn’t work for me; it gives me the excuse of ‘missing one day isn’t a big deal’, so I’m going to put this back into that same six week horizon that seemed to work last time (than book six more weeks after that, etc.).  So starting today, I would need to stick to it through about June 19^th, which is the day of the 5K I’m directing.  So while I thought this would be about Re-Lent, maybe “Father’s Day Fit” has a better ring to it.

Motivational Struggles

For the last few weeks, I’ve been battling something I haven’t had to deal with before, and while I’m not overly concerned, I don’t like it.

My problem is motivation, plain and simple. It feels like for weeks now, I have lacked the desire to work on my projects and activities, whether at work, in my community service, or even my recreations.  Very few things seem to hold my interest, or excite me  to work on them.  Rather, I’ve had to drag myself / force myself to work on them, and even then, I’m doing it without enthusiasm, and more from a sense of obligation to make some effort.  (Even this blog post, being written on a plane where I have little else interesting to do, is being done to help me process this idea.)

This has never been a problem before.  I’ve always had a number of projects working, so there was always something that would clamor for my attention that I would want to work on.  Yes, that would mean that some projects would stall while others progressed, but I’ve been able to make that work, and also make sure that all of my projects got their necessary minimal attention to make progress.

It’s now been weeks, and I have a lot of projects to work on.  Work has been busy (lots of projects there), I have an athletic training schedule, a nutrition program, strength training, yardwork, Scout leadership and education, financial planning, and even a 5K for which I’m the race director coming up in 2 months.  I’ve got a backlist of movies and podcasts that I want to consume, and a few blogs that I would like to write on (or contribute to).  

So that list may indicate one problem – I’ve got too much going on.  I don’t feel  overwhelmed (as one friend says, overwhelmed is nothing more than a prioritization issue), and I’ve always had a project list like this.  I’ve fit in marathon and triathlon training during rough work periods before, which is equal to 2-3 of these projects in time required.  So it’s not overscheduling.  

Another possibility would be some mild type of depression.  I’m not sure where that would come from, but if it was physical, I wouldn’t necessarily be able to trace it effectively.  (That said, this could also be mirroring; where you hear about something and seem to note that you’re experiencing it too– another friend has been suffering from depression and talking about it.  It wouldn’t’ be the first time I had done that).   I would note that this is not any type of hopelessness / depressive state – friends, I’m not in any danger, it’s just a low-energy type of state I’m feeling.

I’ve been telling myself to snap out of it.  That hasn’t worked.  I thought that a vacation to a goal destination (the Grand Canyon) would inspire me.  So far, it hasn’t, but I’m not even home from that trip yet.  There’s the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach that has helped me in the past – that’s my more likely approach for the next two weeks.  I’ve tried that on some projects for the past two weeks, and it got things done, just not with as much energy as I have to give. 

And perhaps I need to apply some self-psychology a la Dave Ramsey – get some small quick wins to develop some momentum.  Right now, I think about half of my projects could generate that with a little bit of extra effort.  Now that work is calming down after a month of intensity (which is a normal schedule), I can carve out a bit of extra time to spend pushing for that extra outcome, and by June, be roaring with output.  If not, we’ll head off in a different direction.

Slash Wednesday

I restarted my diet nutrition plan today (again)

After a very successful Lent, where I really watched what I ate, eliminated soda, cookies, baked goods, etc, Easter eventually came, and with that, old habits came ROARING back. 

(That's one element of my personality that frustrates me, and even more that I see it in my son.  Our habits are deep-set, and hard to really break.)

After losing several pounds during this Lent (as I often do), 10 days away from a healthy diet set me back, big time.  I'm not back to where I started, but I can see it from here.  And I'm scared.

Scared because I recognize the path I'm on, and where it will take me if left unchecked.  Scared because I know the next three weeks will not help me due to work and some upcoming travel.  Scared because I know that this is the time of year I can get momentum, and if I don't do it now, I might not do it at all.

This is not a pleasant feeling.  Nor, however, is it inevitable.  As with many elements of my life, I have the capacity to control it.  What seems to be missing, though, is the deep-seated desire to control it. 

In order to succeed in this weight-loss plan, I have to put long-term gains ahead of short-term ones.  Hard to do in the environment I'm in, both physically and mentally.  If I could, I would work out a lot, which actually keeps my appetite down (weird, huh?), but no, I spend a lot of time in meetings, sitting and not moving.  My fitness tracker hates that, and I'm starting to, as well. 

And while sitting doesn't make me hungry, boredom does, and for me, a lack of physical activity triggers boredom.  I know, it's all emotional, not physical, and I do derive a certain satisfaction out of feelings of hunger (at least I did during this past Lent). 

I need to make some structural changes to my work-life, and if I do, I can succeed.  Every morning in bed, it seems like such an easy thing to do, and every night, it seems like such an important thing to do.

Now if I could just bring myself to do it.......

Turning points

I'm here on the eve of my 45th birthday, and I'm thinking that it's time for a change.  But I have two questions:

1. What is it that I want to change?
2. How do I get the changes that I want to actually stick?

Change can be hard.  Inertia is SOOO much easier.  I know my habits, my routine, my daily ritual of sleep, run, work, eat, repeat (that eat and repeat thing is a real challenge).  That routine is like an old friend that I haven't really outgrown, but is tethering me in my past instead of building me for a future that isn't yet defined. 

The terrible thing is (1st world problem, mind you) is that I know I'm unhappy about certain aspects of my life: my personality traits, my behaviors, my attitudes, and my abilities.  But at the same time, I seem to be unwilling to put forward the efforts to change them in any significant way. 

It's not that I haven't tried, and sometimes even succeeded for a while, but it's like a diet - good for a little while, but before long, old habits creep back into the picture, and in seemingly no time, the diet is a memory, not a lifestyle.

Even this year, I used Lent as a way to shake things up a little - put some restrictions on myself that were good for me, and I saw some changes.  I was eating healthier and less, I stopped drinking soda, and for six weeks, I saw and felt success.  But here we are only 5 days after Lent ended, and I have seen the Russ of Fall 2015 come roaring back like he was just on vacation. 

Thing is: I know I can be different.  I know I can change. I know what good, positive changes look like and feel like.  I'm lacking a tool, though, like a motto or a mantra, or a support system - something to remind me why I want to change, and that I have the power to choose to do so, and to hold me accountable.  Because in the end, everything we do is a choice, either conscious or (sometimes willfully) unconscious.  I think I want a mental reminder to help me make sure that my decisions are all deliberate, but even one's will is subject to fatigue.

Tomorrow I turn 45.  There are a few things that I really want for this birthday: 
First, some self-forgiveness.  I spend too much time hoping for a better past that is just never going to come.  It's time to let go and only look forward.
Second, some self-appreciation.  I'm always beating myself up for the things I'm not doing, or not doing well enough, without stopping to appreciate where I am, what I can do, and from where I've come.  My life and my health are much different than they were 20 years ago, and that's a good thing.
Third, self-permission to enjoy myself more. I frequently find myself focused on doing what I should be doing, rather than what I want to be doing.  Often that's fine, as those drives coincide.  But there are some things I should do not because they serve someone, but just because I enjoy doing them.  It's been hard for me to do that for what seems like a long time.

All of these are in my control (and more!).  My circle of influence in this regard is quite large, but it seems like all-too-often, I forget it.  Maybe that's what birthdays are for - to mark the passage of time so we remember to take stock once in a while.  I'm not mid-life crisis-ing.  I think I did that at 25, and it actually served me well, and put me on the path that got me where I am today.  Maybe I need another crisis moment to take the next leap forward, but I'm going to take a few weeks and see if I can do that through some sort of mid-life peace instead.

(P.S.  I know this post probably sounds quite self-serving, but I'm not sure anyone reads this thing other than me, so it's really directed at my most frequent reader.  Maybe someday I'll turn this blog into something worth reading.  Haven't seemed to find that spark yet, though).