May is now over, and June has begun. Another new beginning, another look back at the month just past. I had started the month with lofty ambitions, as I often do, but the reality of my world invaded, again, as it often does.
And that's a theme in this blog - transformation can be hard. It's not something you wake up one day and just do, or at least I don't. Habits are powerful. Inertia is powerful. Routines are powerful. Those can work in both positive ways and negative ways - the circle can be vicious or virtuous. All too often it's the latter.
But I condemn myself too much, perhaps. I have not fallen off a cliff in any sense. My regret is about a lack of progress forward rather than declines, so I'm really no worse off than I was at the start of the month. In fact, I may be on the road to success, because now I know some of what I was doing wrong, and therefore I have the power to course-correct and make some incremental headway.
It doesn't always feel like that, however. All too often, it feels like I'm fighting that uphill battle, with the wind in my face and anchors pulling me down (how's that for a mixed metaphor?) And since I'm not getting anywhere, I lose some of the fight in me. On more than a few fronts, I'm seeking the "Why?" about my goals. In many respects, I know the "how?" parts - I know what would need to be done to succeed, or at least I know that I could work it out. What I lack is the definitive reason why I want to achieve my goals - whether intrinsic or extrinsic, the 'why' keeps eluding me.
So maybe that should be my new goal - finding the why within myself. That sounds wishy-washy to my ex-accountant ears, but maybe there's something there for me to find. Some sort of inspiration - after all, one of my goals is to lose weight, so I am really chasing enlightenment.
(and puns like that are why my sons hate me)
