Forgiveness and Learning.......

In my last post, I discussed where I was headed with this Lent, but I didn’t disclose all of the details. 

When I weighed in on Ash Wednesday (after a Mardi Gras celebration, truth be told), I was an astonishing 202 pounds.  This wasn’t the first time I was over 200, but it was the first time getting that high.  I know that I’ve been effectively out of control for too long, and that’s why it’s time to do something.

That said, I wish it had taken fuller root.  Here I am on the first Sunday of Lent, and yesterday was not a good day.  I could blame circumstances – I’m on a Boy Scout trip where the menus were planned in advance, not all of which are conducive to my diet, but that’s a poor excuse for two reasons.  First, I could have stuck to just the healthier elements of that meal structure, and been totally fine.  I chose not to do that, and over-consumed as a result.  Second, I made other choices during the day (while stuck in a ski lodge) that were not helping my situation, but actively hurting it (French fries for a snack are a poor choice, even if I threw half of them away).

Even today, after I told myself that I would swap my “forgiveness Sunday” for a “rigid Sunday” in exchange, I’m still making some poor decisions.  Breakfast was far from light, and lunch will be the same if I eat the prepared box lunch.   That said, no one is (yet) forcing anything down my throat – I know that these are my decisions alone, and that if I had wanted to stick to my plan, I totally could have.

Perhaps what I’m learning is that the way my day starts is the theme for the day.  Wednesday through Friday, I started with a run and a very light, late breakfast, and I had three good days.  Saturday and Sunday, I start with a heavier breakfast, designed for very active teenagers, and the rest of my day was a struggle.

Or maybe I’m relearning that I can’t go deep into the well for too many days without a ‘rubber band’ effect, which stymies my efforts and sets me back, reversing the gains I had made.  Neither of these seems like a new revelation, but just reminders of the rules of my life (like rules of physics) that I haven’t yet found a way around.  

Sincerely, I would love to lose weight by spending time doing exercises that I enjoy –running, walking, hiking, swimming, cycling – heck, I even like rowing machines.  But for the past six months, time has been at a premium, a fact that is not likely to change soon in any material way.  If I can’t spend time working on the expenditure side of the weight loss equation, I have to focus more on the ingestion side.  That has always seemed harder to me, as it requires more willpower, and more self-denial.  It’s not doing things that I enjoy, or even doing things that I don’t enjoy; it’s NOT doing things that I know I enjoy.  

That approach doesn’t make me happier in the moment, only over time, and it’s (increasingly?) harder for me to execute on that tradeoff of short-term and long-term satisfaction.

From the ashes.....

It’s here once again – Lent began a few days ago, and for me, that means another ‘forced’ opportunity to do myself some good.

Let me explain.  Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter in Christian religions, including Roman Catholicism, of which I am a member.  It has multiple meanings in the calendar today, but for me, it presents a time both for self-reflection and a chance to do good things, both for myself and for others (although sadly, that last bit is sometimes the first one lost).

For the past few years, those good things for myself have revolved around healthier living, mainly in my diet and habits.  In the past, I have given up soda and caffeine, or dedicated myself to exercise, or to weight loss.  This year, it’s the last one again, and I’m hoping to beat the success of last year.

In 2014, I focused on my diet during Lent, and cut out a number of foods which had become habits, and were not the most healthy choices I could make.  These included Almonds, peanut butter, cookies, ice cream, and a few others which I didn’t need to survive.  It worked.  I dropped 8 pounds in six weeks, looked better, ran faster, and felt better than I had in a few years.  Definitely worth the effort.

Alas, the gains I made were transitory, and reversed themselves in the fall, when a new job occupied far too much of my temporal and emotional assets – it took a lot of my time and stressed me out.  Workouts and eating right became secondary priorities for me, and the scale reflected this.  Add to that a post-marathon binge, the holiday season, and another ‘relaxation’ after my first 50K race, and I found myself at almost THE EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was a year ago.  *heavy sigh*

I’m fond of saying ‘this time will be different’ but frankly, I know better.  Managing my diet and exercise during Lent this year is a necessary task, and one that I am trying to follow through, but it’s not going to change my life permanently; circumstances have too much of an influence on me to allow for that.  What I do hope for is to gain back in six weeks what I lost in the last six months.  That’s a tall order, and the effects (actual weight, faster running times) won’t come back in that short a time.  I can set the foundation, and get a headstart on what I want to build for the next few months. 

Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, a time of remembering who we are (From ashes we came, and to ashes we will return) and it ends with Easter.  That’s a time for renewal and rebirth.  And once again this year, I look forward to that.

Off-kilter (again!)

I was going to write a post to say that there wasn't much going on, but really, the problem is that there is too much going on.  My routine life has taken over all of my spare focus and attention.  This is mainly due to something that is non-routine that keeps interjecting itself into my consciousness and into my workdays

That's a little cryptic,  I realize, but for now, I'd rather not explain.  Suffice it to say that I've been spending a lot of time working, too much time in appointments, and not enough time sleeping.  My workouts have been lackadaisical at best, and none of my fitness objectives are being met, 'cause I've been so unfocused on them.

It's hurting me, both physically and emotionally / spiritually to feel this far off-center all the time.  I'm working to regain a sense of control over my daily life (although everything tells me that control is both fleeting and an illusion). 

My weight has been hovering in the high 190's (still), and my running volume is far below where I want.  My foot is now hurting after every run, so I think I need to give it a serious rest.  I'd be fine getting in some time on the bike or at the gym, but nothing feels as good as running does. 

Perhaps next week will be a bit more sane, but I'm not counting on it.  I'm concerned that I'm in the middle of a vicious cycle, and I need something to break it.  Lent starts soon (February 18th), and that is typically a restart cycle for me.  Maybe I can count on that again this year.

More soon.