Forgiveness and Learning.......

In my last post, I discussed where I was headed with this Lent, but I didn’t disclose all of the details. 

When I weighed in on Ash Wednesday (after a Mardi Gras celebration, truth be told), I was an astonishing 202 pounds.  This wasn’t the first time I was over 200, but it was the first time getting that high.  I know that I’ve been effectively out of control for too long, and that’s why it’s time to do something.

That said, I wish it had taken fuller root.  Here I am on the first Sunday of Lent, and yesterday was not a good day.  I could blame circumstances – I’m on a Boy Scout trip where the menus were planned in advance, not all of which are conducive to my diet, but that’s a poor excuse for two reasons.  First, I could have stuck to just the healthier elements of that meal structure, and been totally fine.  I chose not to do that, and over-consumed as a result.  Second, I made other choices during the day (while stuck in a ski lodge) that were not helping my situation, but actively hurting it (French fries for a snack are a poor choice, even if I threw half of them away).

Even today, after I told myself that I would swap my “forgiveness Sunday” for a “rigid Sunday” in exchange, I’m still making some poor decisions.  Breakfast was far from light, and lunch will be the same if I eat the prepared box lunch.   That said, no one is (yet) forcing anything down my throat – I know that these are my decisions alone, and that if I had wanted to stick to my plan, I totally could have.

Perhaps what I’m learning is that the way my day starts is the theme for the day.  Wednesday through Friday, I started with a run and a very light, late breakfast, and I had three good days.  Saturday and Sunday, I start with a heavier breakfast, designed for very active teenagers, and the rest of my day was a struggle.

Or maybe I’m relearning that I can’t go deep into the well for too many days without a ‘rubber band’ effect, which stymies my efforts and sets me back, reversing the gains I had made.  Neither of these seems like a new revelation, but just reminders of the rules of my life (like rules of physics) that I haven’t yet found a way around.  

Sincerely, I would love to lose weight by spending time doing exercises that I enjoy –running, walking, hiking, swimming, cycling – heck, I even like rowing machines.  But for the past six months, time has been at a premium, a fact that is not likely to change soon in any material way.  If I can’t spend time working on the expenditure side of the weight loss equation, I have to focus more on the ingestion side.  That has always seemed harder to me, as it requires more willpower, and more self-denial.  It’s not doing things that I enjoy, or even doing things that I don’t enjoy; it’s NOT doing things that I know I enjoy.  

That approach doesn’t make me happier in the moment, only over time, and it’s (increasingly?) harder for me to execute on that tradeoff of short-term and long-term satisfaction.

From the ashes.....

It’s here once again – Lent began a few days ago, and for me, that means another ‘forced’ opportunity to do myself some good.

Let me explain.  Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter in Christian religions, including Roman Catholicism, of which I am a member.  It has multiple meanings in the calendar today, but for me, it presents a time both for self-reflection and a chance to do good things, both for myself and for others (although sadly, that last bit is sometimes the first one lost).

For the past few years, those good things for myself have revolved around healthier living, mainly in my diet and habits.  In the past, I have given up soda and caffeine, or dedicated myself to exercise, or to weight loss.  This year, it’s the last one again, and I’m hoping to beat the success of last year.

In 2014, I focused on my diet during Lent, and cut out a number of foods which had become habits, and were not the most healthy choices I could make.  These included Almonds, peanut butter, cookies, ice cream, and a few others which I didn’t need to survive.  It worked.  I dropped 8 pounds in six weeks, looked better, ran faster, and felt better than I had in a few years.  Definitely worth the effort.

Alas, the gains I made were transitory, and reversed themselves in the fall, when a new job occupied far too much of my temporal and emotional assets – it took a lot of my time and stressed me out.  Workouts and eating right became secondary priorities for me, and the scale reflected this.  Add to that a post-marathon binge, the holiday season, and another ‘relaxation’ after my first 50K race, and I found myself at almost THE EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was a year ago.  *heavy sigh*

I’m fond of saying ‘this time will be different’ but frankly, I know better.  Managing my diet and exercise during Lent this year is a necessary task, and one that I am trying to follow through, but it’s not going to change my life permanently; circumstances have too much of an influence on me to allow for that.  What I do hope for is to gain back in six weeks what I lost in the last six months.  That’s a tall order, and the effects (actual weight, faster running times) won’t come back in that short a time.  I can set the foundation, and get a headstart on what I want to build for the next few months. 

Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, a time of remembering who we are (From ashes we came, and to ashes we will return) and it ends with Easter.  That’s a time for renewal and rebirth.  And once again this year, I look forward to that.

Off-kilter (again!)

I was going to write a post to say that there wasn't much going on, but really, the problem is that there is too much going on.  My routine life has taken over all of my spare focus and attention.  This is mainly due to something that is non-routine that keeps interjecting itself into my consciousness and into my workdays

That's a little cryptic,  I realize, but for now, I'd rather not explain.  Suffice it to say that I've been spending a lot of time working, too much time in appointments, and not enough time sleeping.  My workouts have been lackadaisical at best, and none of my fitness objectives are being met, 'cause I've been so unfocused on them.

It's hurting me, both physically and emotionally / spiritually to feel this far off-center all the time.  I'm working to regain a sense of control over my daily life (although everything tells me that control is both fleeting and an illusion). 

My weight has been hovering in the high 190's (still), and my running volume is far below where I want.  My foot is now hurting after every run, so I think I need to give it a serious rest.  I'd be fine getting in some time on the bike or at the gym, but nothing feels as good as running does. 

Perhaps next week will be a bit more sane, but I'm not counting on it.  I'm concerned that I'm in the middle of a vicious cycle, and I need something to break it.  Lent starts soon (February 18th), and that is typically a restart cycle for me.  Maybe I can count on that again this year.

More soon.

Close is over - let's get this started.

My rough period at work ended on Friday (sure, not until 8:00 p.m. on Friday due to as last-minute assignment), so my big two week quarter close is over.  I returned home Friday night to see my family for more than 5 minutes for the first time in two weeks.

Re-entry after these work periods is normally not easy.  I get home, and I'm still on a work footing, so still a bit stressed, and I've missed two weeks of "what's going on" around the house, including how daily routines may have changed.  In addition, I'm also often coming off a period of little to no exercise, and two weeks of food issues.  I'll normally gain a few pounds during these times, adding to my stress levels and it takes a few days to reorient myself.

This time wasn't much different.  I have gained a few pounds (my official weigh in at 197 pounds this week, but I know that I hit 200 during the week), my exercise was limited to about 1 mile per day to maintain my streak, and I was not able to keep in touch with my family as much as I would have liked to. 

The only thing different this time is that I left my stress in the office.  Which is good, 'cause it got kinda bad a few days ago, causing a bit of a rift with my boss (nothing that won't heal).  And as a result, my re-entry was much smoother, and I was able to take it easy this weekend and not stress out about things as much.  I even got in a few exercise sessions as well as a 'date night' with my wife, which I really needed.  I had to do some work, but was able to squeeze that in during quiet times. 

So now I'm firmly in "new new year's" , with a plan to get back into daily exercise routines, even doubles on some days, and to renew my relationship.  I'm going to try to Burn 20 pounds this year, in the hopes that I can drop at least 10.  I'm back to working on my 2015 goals, focusing on what I want to do in January - one month at a time.

So this week - Weight at 197.5 pounds, long run this week at 5 miles (on the treadmill thanks to REALLY perilous ice this morning - my wife went out running early and regretted it with all of the cars spinning and sliding on the roads today).  I'm behind on some of my objectives, but this week at work will be more manageable than the last 4 (5?, 6?).  My immediate objective: brave the cold and get outside for most of my runs this week.  This starts tomorrow.

January 1st ..... the second time

So it's been a truly awful couple of weeks.  That's awful by my standards, which for some people would really just be par for the course.  It was all due to work, of course, and the nasty side effects that excessive work brings.

What do I mean by excessive?  Last week (Monday through Sunday), I worked 104 hours.  I'm in finance, and this was due to our end-of-year accounting, so I wasn't surprised by the need for extra overtime.  This is my 22nd January in the company, and the first month of the year is always intense.  This was exceptional, though, as I am one person short in my department, and we had to cover the gaps, and deal with some new managers at the same time. 

But the fact that I was working so much wasn't the problem.  It's the other stuff that disrupts me.  First, working that many hours, plus commuting and the occasional shower, I wasn't sleeping enough.  I got about 4-6 hours a night, when I have learned that I really need 7.  Second, because of scheduled meetings and not enough sleep, I wasn't exercising much.  I was in recovery for a few days from my race, so this wasn't a big deal until the last few days.

Even that would have been tolerable, though, but the reality is that when I am sleep-deprived, I make bad decisions (so do you, by the way).  Specifically, I make bad decisions about food and drink.  I think that I perceive extra (or unhealthy) foods as energy compensation for the lack of sleep, but I also think it's just that my discipline system is the first to fatigue, and I'm more prone to 'giving in'.  Both are probably true, but whatever the cause, I wind up eating worse than I should and drinking too little water and too much soda for the caffeine content (which actually, I didn't do too badly this month). 

And the result is chilling.  This morning, I weighed in at 198 pounds - WAY too close to my 200 lb. limit, and a 'red alert' that I need to obey.  I had been hoping to be at about 192 by now, but my butt got kicked again.  What's worse is that I had a dream I'd been dreading - where I wake up and go to wash up, but notice my hands are swollen.  When I look in the mirror, I realize that I've gained back all the weight I had lost, and I was back to 270 lbs, where I haven't been for nearly 15 years.  I'm actually surprised I haven't had that dream before, but having it now was terrible for me.  I woke up (really this time) with such a sense of disappointment and loss; feelings that I do not want to experience in reality.

Add to that the fact that I've been working so much, I haven't seen my family for over a week.  Sure, I've been coming home to sleep, but I get home after everyone's in bed, and I leave for the office before they are awake.  Post-it notes have taken the place of hugs and dinnertime conversations.  I really miss those dinners.

So now it's time to re-jump start.  Both my wife and I are going to declare January 15th New New Year's day.  Our resolutions didn't start two weeks ago - no!  they're just starting now.  It's something we've done before (after a bad yearend cycle) and that actually worked.  Today I cleaned out my office - no more unhealthy food there, and tomorrow morning, I've blocked time on my calendar for a longer run than the 1-milers I've been doing to maintain my streak.  I will re-start my fitness cycle (pushups, crunches, and pullups) and get back onto my path down to 190 lbs or lower by July 1st, although I know I can do it faster.  I'm going to start calling it a day much earlier at work, so I can see my wife and kids in the daylight.  We're going to work together (as we often do) and encourage each other through the hard times ahead, but we'll feel better on April 15th than we do on January 15th.  Tomorrow, I will turn over that new leaf that is just waiting for me.

That is, after I get some sleep.

Heppy New Year (3 days late)

So it's January 4th, and it's already been a fairly interesting year (by my standards).  Yesterday, I ran a 50K race about an hour away from home, which is the first time I've run that distance (or intentionally run anythng longer than a marathon).  It was a good bit of a struggle, with lots of walking in the last third of the race, but I finished it in 5:46:30, so respectable, but not remarkable.

It would have been better had I actually trained for it.  I had run a marathon about eight weeks ago, setting a PR of 4:11:20 in the process despite being a few weeks short on my training.  After that, I took a few light weeks, worked up to long runs of 15 miles, and ran 3 long runs before this race.  That's less than I should have had, but doing this race was a late decision - I only decided to do this about three weeks ago, and it really wasn't until the week before that I really committed.   So no 20-milers, no stretch long runs of 24, 25, 27 miles, bur just a silly, naive intention that if I could run a marathon, I could run a 50K. I was right, and I expect I'll be right again some time.  They run this race each year, and I came in 21st out of 22 finishers, so I have lots of ways to improve.  And hey, there's a first time for everything, which implies a second time, I hope.

After the race (a day after, technically), my kids asked what we were having for dinner, and she say we were going out to eat (a rarity) to a steakhouse (a REAL rarity!).  It turns out she was taking me out to celebrate the race, which was a really nice gesture, and great to do on the day before our real 2015 push starts (on diet and exercise fronts). 

Sadly, though, much of my extended family is suffering on the heath front.  My father-in-law is in the hospital, my niece and grand-nephew are both sick with stomach bugs, and another family member broke his leg at work.  It's not good when bad stuff happens, but it's all happening a few steps removed from me, and my immediate family is doing okay, so I'll just count my blessings.

I've now got a  few focus areas for 2015: Fitness (losing a little bit of weight, maybe?), Gratitude (showing and feeling it more), Focus (on whatever I am doing - stopping the multitasking) and Family - getting in the time while I still have it with my boys.  The first four days were not full of progress against my goals, but I'm okay with that.  Tomorrow is Monday, the classic day for new starts, and my wife and I are looking for ways to help each other out.  We'll see in a week if our passion for our goals is greater or gone.  (I'm hoping the former).

Today's weight: 193.2 (but that's because I raced yesterday.  I'm really about 195.5 lbs)

New Year - Not so new Me

So, at this point, (11:45 on new year's eve) I'll admit it.  I'm heading into 2015 with mixed emotions.  I'm not particularly happy with the progress I've made during 2014; as I feel like I'm ending the year where I started in many ways (or in some cases, behind).  I'm also not as energized for 2015 as I'd like to be, and I'm anticipating a very tough month at work to start the year.

A tough month means early days, late nights, weekends, and very little time for family, community work, or personal priorities.  I've got my goals for 2015, but without a lot of really careful planning and persistence, I won't accomplish them.  Getting a fast start is going to be really important, but I'm just not confident that's going to happen, and I'm concerned about the effect that's going to have on my overall year.

This may just be my learned pessimism showing through (I'm actually a natural optimist, I think).  Or maybe it's fear, or advance excuses for when I don't hit my 2015 goals.  It's been the way I've felt for three or four months now, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL THIS WAY!  The last quarter of 2014 resulted in a lot of personal successes for me, and I can head into the new year with a few successes. 

Maybe I just need to adjust my perspective and get the new year started with a bang.   Perhaps in a few days I'll have some more recent successes to point to.