Numbers

205.9

I’m a financial analyst by vocation, so numbers are a big part of my life.   As a result, I find that I look for quantification of activities probably more than most people. It can be a problem, actually.  

The reason is that I rarely embark on any endeavors that don’t involve numbers in some meaningful way.  I don’t want to start lifting weights unless there is some numeric goal attached, like number of pull-ups, or maximum weight on a bench press.  I don’t want to just ‘lose weight’ (that number is my present weight) – I want to go from the number I am now to a goal weight, or a goal loss of pounds.  Those number might actually be meaningless, but I know that they are better than I can do now, even if I don’t know if it’s really attainable.  A target of 160 pounds is better than I am now, but I doubt that’s reachable while staying attached to all my limbs. 

26:01

There I go again – that was my time on this mornings 5K (a Turkey trot in my town). As I often do, I had multiple quantitative objectives for this race: a goal time (27:00), an expected time (29:00) and a minimal acceptable time (31:00).  All of these were just numbers, and should not have determined my enjoyment of the race, or the fun I had getting ready for it. But those concepts aren’t quantifiable, can’t really be measured, and therefore take second chair to the clear delineations of time and distance.  I think this is actually a problem most runners have, but I get to deal with it in my personal and my professional lives.  

70.3

And there’s another one.  I would like to run a half-Ironman distance triathlon next year.  I want to know the satisfaction of having done that disatance through swim, bike and run.  But again, it’s quantifiable, as will the distances of all of my training sessions.  Time is less important here, but the distances are fixed, and each is a hurdle I will need to get across.  

45

One more number that defines me, at least for now.  I’m not getting any younger, and my body is really trying to tell me this.  Actually, it’s saying a lot of things, including that I’m carrying extra weight, I’m getting older, and slower, and that in some facets of my life, my best years are behind me.  

The numbers are getting harder, more relentless, and becoming more of an obstacle.  They may have already been an obstacle for a long time – shifting my focus from areas of my life which are more subjective and less goal-oriented.  As a ‘closer-to-type-A’ personality, I find fluffy goals of ‘have more fun’ or ‘be more relaxed’ as too general, too airy. After all, how will I know if I ever achieve those goals?  There won’t come a time when I’ll say that I’ve had enough fun, or that I’ve achieved enlightenment through relaxation.  But the days are coming when the numbers will become unattainable, and I’ll lose the (perhaps illusory) sense of control that the numbers provide – both in telling me where I am, as well as where I’m supposed to be headed.  Until that time, though, there are a few numeric hurdles I have yet to conquer.

Waffling without a breeze

There's an old Bedouin proverb that came to mind recently:

Me against my brother
Me and my brother against my cousin
Me, my brother, and my cousin against our neighbors
Me, my brother, my cousin, and my neighbors against the stranger.

But what do you do when your biggest conflict is inside of yourself?

I'm not going split-personality here, trust me, but the most significant battle I have is with myself lately.  It's the struggle between who I want to be, and who I actually am in those quiet moments of decision.  The me that says I should exercise more, and eat less, and be more social, and the other me who is just fine not doing those things, and wasting time on the internet, or with TV, or just doing nothing - filling up my time with things that don't matter.

In large part, it's the challenge of laying down the foundation of who I want to be tomorrow, working against the reality of who I want to be right now, and what I find worth doing today.  I'm not normally like this, but the last few months, I've seen myself making short-term decisions rather than long-term investments.  I'm even seeing the negative effects of my recent 'not-as-good' decisions, and don't seem to care enough about them to change my approach, at least not yet.

There's a concept in business called an emergent strategy - it's the strategy that you actually pursue, not the one you plan. I've always been a planner, and lined up my days and weeks toward a future goal, but suddenly that doesn't seem as important.  My personal strategy is giving way to a very different emergent strategy that feels like living day-to-day.   I know a lot of people who do that already, and are very happy just dealing with the 'today's, but that's never been me.

Maybe I'm just a bit rudderless right now.  I've achieved a lot of what I planned to do in the last several years, and I haven't seen sights clearly on a new set of goals.  If I spend a little time on vacation this week thinking about where I want to go, perhaps that will provide the guiding star to help direct me.  Then I can trim my sails and head off in the right way.  Until then, I'm going to founder a bit more in the doldrums.

But not for too long.

Trying a different angle

So it's early October, and I'm back into my usual 'struggle'.  That is, I'm fighting that same 5-10 pounds that I've fought for the past few years.  When I was living overseas, it seemed easier to keep weight off, but that was in large part a fact of my circumstances.  There was more walking and cycling for transportation, and less access to the variety of foods that speak to my cravings. 

There was also less time spent working, which is one of the challenges I face on a regular basis.  My days start early, they run late, and in the evenings, I am engaged with community activities like Boy Scouts, church, and the occasional fun activity.  All that leaves less time for training and exercise than I would like, and probably need.

That said, my real problems is with my diet.  It's not terrible, but it's also not great.  I don't drink enough water (diet soda is my thing), I eat too much sugar, and not enough of things like fruits or vegetables.  Although my wife does cook healthy meals, and has for years, to this day I still don't automatically reach for a piece of fruit when I'm hungry.   There are just too many alternatives that sound and taste better, especially when I'm tired and don't want to deal with things.

So I'm trying some new things once again.  For the last few weeks, I've increased my water intake significantly - "drinking water like it's my job" as one friend put it.  I'm also trying a new motivation.  I've found that when running or swimming, I can convince myself to keep up with a pace until I hit a  landmark.  It doesn't have to be anything big, but just something in the future that I can set my mind on as a finish line, or more properly, a way point.  For when I reach that landmark, I don't stop, but rather just pause, like taking a walk break, or a drink from my water bottle.  Then it's back to it.

I thought maybe this could work for my nutrition plan too.  If I have a preferred regimen, and stick to it, I can give myself that 'way point' in the form of a day where that regimen is relaxed.  It's a type of reward to celebrate a few weeks of successes.  It's risky, I know, because after that one day, it may be harder to restart the next, but I think I can make it work, and it can work with my psychology.

The question was - how many days in what period of time is right?    Also, this is fall, which is one of my toughest seasons, with the holidays of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, each of which was a food event in my house.   I've settled on 5 days over the course of three moths.  This means about 2-3 weeks between 'off days', and a lot of 'on days' if I can pull it off.

Truth be told, I started this a couple of weeks ago, and today was my first 'off day', as I was working today, and succumbed to the group luncheon, including many baked goods.  And candidly, I wasn't happy with myself about it.  I'm not yet sure if this is a good or bad reaction.  It's good in that I do not expect that I will want to repeat this - even as I write this, I'm physically not feeling great, so being 'on' tomorrow won't be hard.  The bad part is that I can't beat myself up over these scheduled 'off days', or the program won't work.

I know a few of my other 'off days'.  Thanksgiving will be one, and Christmas another.  I'm also expecting one at the end of October, just to break the tension, but the last day is not yet scheduled.  I'll probably use that when I need it, but hopefully in a pre-planned manner, rather than an unscheduled 'food fest'. 

I'm also trying some other 'better behaviors', including going to bed earlier to get more sleep, and trying to approach my life from a sense of love and thankfulness, rather than a sense of fear, guilt, and, well, hatred.  I'm not thrilled about the way I look or my fitness level, and I know I can do better, but I believe in the long run, I'll be mentally better off if I do the things I love, rather than the things I should do, or feel I must do.  If being fit is something I really crave, I'll find the time, and I'll prioritize it far more than if it's just something I have to do to lose weight.  Hopefully those mental perspectives will help me both physically and spiritually. 

RAGNAR!

OK.  That title is a bit direct, but I was very excited to run the Ragnar Adirondacks event last week with a couple of friends, and a number of strangers. 

We were 13 people in two vans for two days, alternately running on scenic roads and trying to get some sleep in the seat of a moving vehicle.  In the end, I think I got about 90 minutes of sleep, and I ran 20 miles within 24 hours.  To some, that sounds like a circle of hell, but for me, it was a great way to celebrate running and camaraderie, making new friendships and deepening others.

This really wasn't as much of a race as a celebration of running, and right now, that's what I was looking for.  Something not-so-competitive, but enjoyable, and a common adventure that helped me re-bond with people as well as with the sport I love.  Yes, this was a bit silly for me to do (especially with cat ears and a tutu - don't ask), and yes, perhaps we were all just a bit sleep-deprived in a way that mirrored inebriation.  Heck, that's probably why our team feels so good about the event, and is already thinking of doing another, but as with other events, we need to forget the pain of this one before embarking out again.

It also wasn't all good and glorious.  There was soreness, pain, aggravation, confusion, and a bit of embarrassment (I saw a video of me running.  Ugh.  I am even sorrier for the people who often see me around town, but that's the subject of my next post).  it was, however, meaningful. 

Watching the moon rise on my midnight leg in Cycle 2, turning a corner to see my team far earlier than I had expected (I thought they were parked wrong - turns out I was just faster than I thought), enjoying a nice dinner before hitting a hotel for about 30 minutes of sleep before my phone rang from the other half of the team - these are all memories that are going to stick with me for a while.  Hopefully, they can keep me going during the coming winter months, when running is little other than dark and cold. 

Although it could be, this sport of mine is not for everyone.  Candidly I'm not 100% sure why I still do it, when there are other alternatives.  But I keep coming back and I keep setting my sights higher (more on that in 2 blog posts).  There's so much more that I can do with it, and so much farther that I can push myself, and test my limits.  In that sense, Ragnar wasn't a race, or a run, but a bit of a re-awakening to my own potential and my own enjoyment. 

What else can I get myself into? (note: that's a rhetorical question)

So it looks like I'm trying to see how many stupid things I can do at once, and to see what level of stress my body and mind will both accept. 

First, I'm running a Ragnar race next week.  For those of you who don't know what a Ragnar is (and why would i expect you to?) it's a 36 hour long relay race, where you get together with 11 friends, pile into two vans and run three times over the course of 36 hours, with little sleep, nothing but road food, and lots and lots of other runners.  But don't worry - there are no prizes (at least not for my team) and no glory to be had - just a good fun weekend.  Sounds great, right?

Oh, and I'm running a half marathon the week after that.  Wish I had paid more attention to the calendar now.

Then there's this conference.  I'm on the verge of signing up to be a speaker at a conference next year in my profession (corporate accounting).  I'm not a terrific public speaker, and I have no business doing this.  But it's out of my comfort zone, it's something I know I *can* do, and I have plenty of time (the conference isn't until June).  This may be a terrible idea, but that's the theme of this blog, right?

Finally, I've (accidentally?) signed up to be the social media coordinator for my church.  Our current one (who set up our Facebook page about 4 months ago) left the area, and I think I volunteered for this last night.  Note to self: Stop asking questions about who's going to do something that needs to be done!

Its been an interesting week in terms of my behavior, and the things I'm getting myself into.  Maybe this is the start of great things!  Maybe it's the inciting force for my upcoming nervous breakdown.  And maybe I'll learn to stop meddling into my own affairs sometime soon.

Where's the "er"?

Given my family history, and my requirements for Boy Scouts, I keep up with my health checkups.  So I recently went to see my doctor for my annual physical.  We went through the results of my blood tests, and she asked me how I was doing.  No major complaints, I said, but I’ve been feeling a little less energetic, and seemed to be more subject to minor irritations like soreness, discomfort, or poor sleeping.  That’s not too surprising, she said, because you’re starting to get old.

I waited for the ‘er’. 

As in, “You’re starting to get old-er”.  It didn’t come.     Why didn’t it come?, I thought  Did she really mean what she said?  Did she realize the implications of that missing syllable?  Was it just a slip, or was she trying to tell me something?

After all, we’re all getting older – that’s just a fact of life and numbers.  But I’m not ready to think of myself as old.  Sure, I’m in my mid-forties, but in my eye, I’m still in my late 20’s / early 30’s  - still learning new things, having new experiences, trying to figure out my real place in the world.  How could I be thought of as old? Maybe in the 1700’s I would qualify, but this is the 21^st century, and my life expectancy is 93.  I’m not halfway done on this planet yet.

Besides that, we had just finished discussing that I was in great health.  I’m an active person, even to the point of running marathons and triathlons.  I’m all there mentally (ok, mostly) and while I could lose a few pounds, all I have is a minor issue here or there.  They’re nothing debilitating, and more just things that ‘we should watch’, given my history and my family history.  My doc actually downplayed all of the things that I was worried would take me down – she said none of those seemed to be real issues for me.

So why the “old” reference?  I’ve mostly convinced myself that she really didn’t mean it, that it was a throwaway comment to dismiss my concerns as “no big deal” (and they aren’t a big deal).  I did hesitate telling my wife this story, on the off chance that she would agree with my doctor, though.

But it has gotten me thinking about what ‘old’ really means to me, and I’m just not there, and can’t even see there from here.  To me, old implies inactive, passive, disengaged and weak, while old-er simply means that things change.  Fortunately, I have role models in my mother and in-laws of what older can be without being old – they’re all in their 70s, and are physically and mentally active, and engaged in their communities. 

That’s encouraging to say the least, and provide a blueprint for me to follow as I celebrate the many birthdays yet to come.  And with health issues headed for the bottom of my worry list, I can focus a little bit on being happy.

Or should I say, happy-er?

Recurring themes

May is now over, and June has begun.  Another new beginning, another look back at the month just past.  I had started the month with lofty ambitions, as I often do, but the reality of my world invaded, again, as it often does.

And that's a theme in this blog - transformation can be hard.  It's not something you wake up one day and just do, or at least I don't.  Habits are powerful.  Inertia is powerful.  Routines are powerful.  Those can work in both positive ways and negative ways - the circle can be vicious or virtuous.  All too often it's the latter.

But I condemn myself too much, perhaps.  I have not fallen off a cliff in any sense.  My regret is about a lack of progress forward rather than declines, so I'm really no worse off than I was at the start of the month.  In fact, I may be on the road to success, because now I know some of what I was doing wrong, and therefore I have the power to course-correct and make some incremental headway.

It doesn't always feel like that, however.  All too often, it feels like I'm fighting that uphill battle, with the wind in my face and anchors pulling me down (how's that for a mixed metaphor?)  And since I'm not getting anywhere, I lose some of the fight in me.  On more than a few fronts, I'm seeking the "Why?"  about my goals.  In many respects, I know the "how?" parts - I know what would need to be done to succeed, or at least I know that I could work it out.  What I lack is the definitive reason why I want to achieve my goals - whether intrinsic or extrinsic, the 'why' keeps eluding me.

So maybe that should be my new goal - finding the why within myself.  That sounds wishy-washy to my ex-accountant ears, but maybe there's something there for me to find.  Some sort of inspiration - after all, one of my goals is to lose weight, so I am really chasing enlightenment.

(and puns like that are why my sons hate me)

Staying on top of things

Based on my family history, I try to stay on top of my state of health.  Fortunately for me, it's also a requirement of my Boy Scout leadership that I get an annual physical, and I have a health plan that covers it.

And that came in handy this year.  I've written recently about how my running has been slower than normal, including my personal worst half marathon.  Sure, there were reasons for that, but I was wondering if there might be some physical root cause.  Turns out, there was.

I had a bit of a problem last year with a low-iron count in my physical, which had me taking iron supplements for a while last year to recover.  This year, instead of being better, it was actually worse.  At least that got a conversation started, that potentially traced back my low iron to the combination of my running, but more importantly, recently blood donations.  It seems that because of my running, my iron count may not be recovering from donations in the way it should be, and that seems to be the cause of my fatigue.  At least now I have an answer, and something I can do to fix it.

Which is a good thing, because I've got plans!  I'm running a triathlon next week, a Ragnar relay in September, a marathon at some point this year, and my long-term plans include either a Half-Ironman triathlon or a 50-Mile race (or maybe even both!)  I can't be fatigued and train at any level of quality.

And I *am* in training.  I've already started trying to ramp up both my running and my cross-training, including a 40-mile bike ride just this morning.  I'm planning a 15-mile run in the morning, and after next week's sprint Tri, I'm going full speed on running, and selecting and training for a marathon (and maybe a 50K).

This wouldn't have been conceivable, though, if I was suffering through my training decline without knowing why my speed was slowing and my energy was depleted. Getting a physical annually helped to detect this problem and create a solution.  While I'm more concerned about heart disease and diabetes (issues which appear to be under control), taking the time to get checked out turned up a problem and solution that will help me enjoy my life more.

I frequently read that men are reluctant to get their health checked; certainly, that's not me, and hopefully not you either.  It's better to know what may be wrong and help address it, than to live in ignorance of problems that can grow beyond control until it's too late.

Mid-may update

Well, it's been two weeks since I said goodbye to April and hello to May.  It's been a productive couple of weeks, and I've felt some energy returning, although my running has been more miss than hit.  This past weekend, I  know I overdid it, doing Yoga on Friday night, a 30-mile bike ride on Saturday followed by two hours of chopping wood, and then a 14-mile hilly run on Sunday.  By Sunday night, I was exhausted. 

That clearly bled into the start of the week, as my Tuesday speedwork at the track was anything but.  Bringing up the rear of the pack, my third set of 800s would be my last attempt at going fast, and I spent the rest of the session just trying to turn in some decent pace.  Don't think I succeeded.

So on Wednesday, I went back to the track for redemption.  I ran the 5K course around the school, and then a few laps of the track to get in 5 miles.  I did focus on speed, so I was fast, but my breathing was harder than it should have been.  I've clearly lost both speed and fitness over the past several months, so that will be part of my summer work.

I wish my diet was even that consistent, though.  I think I've had about 5 days of the past 18 that really worked well.  Funny thing - I know why those days worked well, and why lots of others haven't, but I don't seem to be able to control my actions as much as I used to.  I know there's a lot of stuff going around in my head that's keeping me from doing the right thing, but it should be easier than this.

But then again, my concerns are slight compared to what many others are going through.  I won't go into details but a few people close to me are dealing with real problems, not the kind of superficial things that I seem to obsess over.  I am very grateful for the blessings that I have, and I hope and pray for others near me to be healthy, hopeful and peaceful.  We can all use a little more of that.

May Day (not the SOS kind)

Welcome to May 2016!

I, for one, am happy to see April in my rear-view mirror.  While there were some great parts to it (my niece married a great guy, I vacationed in the Grand Canyon, and on the last day of the month, I bought a car and gave mine to my newly-licensed son), there were lots of elements that didn't work for me, especially my diet and exercise regime.  I gave back (almost) all of the benefits of Lent in my weight, I rarely worked out, and as a result, I'm feeling less good physically than I have in a while.

As evidence, this morning I ran my slowest half-marathon ever.  Granted, it was after I had already run a 5K this morning, but I've done this race combination twice before, and it was never this slow.  Even the 5K wasn't very fast, but the reason is clear - no training, and poor dietary habits will get you nowhere in the athletic world.

But April is over, and today is a new day and a new month, and a new beginning.  I've decided on a series of habits to work on, some physical, some mental, some spiritual, and I'm going to focus on them for the next few months.  When I was conducting my running streak, I always managed to make time for at least one mile a day - that's 10 minutes in my book (plus time to change clothes, get ready, etc.) and most of my new objectives can fit into 10 minutes a day (the running streak is off for now)

The biggest (and hardest) part is getting back into a dietary regimen.  That means cutting out some foods, limiting others, and focusing on fresh, natural foods, at least for a while.  As anyone who reads this blog knows, I've had more than my share of false starts, and this may be another one.  I would welcome anyone's support and encouragement to help get me through, but my strongest advocate (my wife) is behind me, and if she is on my side, there's nothing I can't do, right?

One of my recurring actions will be blogging - at least once a week, 3X a week even better.  There's a lot to talk about in the world, not just my personal life, and an entry can take only about 15 minutes (sure - longer if I want it to be good), but I'm to the point where I can fit that in, even if I'm typing it in on my phone (so pardon the spelling errors in the future :-) )

Father's Day Fit - Seven weeks and counting.

Father's Day Fit

I spoke earlier on the blog about my using Lent to get control of my habits, and of my weight issues.  That worked really well for me, right up until Lent ended.  It was then that I realized that my efforts were based on pillars of sand.  

I was looking to really change my diet – not in the “I’m on a diet for a few weeks” style, but try to make fundamental changes to my eating habits, and my exercise habits.  For six weeks they worked, but Easter came, and out came the excuses.  First, it was Easter, with the chocolate and the release of Lenten promises.  Then came a wedding, and my birthday, and those made for reasons to eat outside of my new norm.

But that was only a week, and I could totally have recovered.  But then the quarter close came at work – these come four times a year, and require a lot of focused effort and energy, and also a lot of time – 12-16 hour days for 7-10 days are not unusual.  So I tend to eat dinner (sometimes all three meals) at the office, and I’m not known for making the best decision when I’m tired and faced with lots of food items I enjoy.  This cycle was particularly bad, as we had multiple birthdays, baby showers, farewell celebrations, etc. that put temptation in front of me on a regular basis.   

After that, I went on vacation for a week, and thought I would use this as a time to do less eating and more workouts.  Thanks (in part) to a pulled muscle a few days before vacation, that didn’t work out on the workout side, and the experience of travel (and the desire for freedom that comes with it) left my menu plans in the dust (with no criticism to my wife, who was trying to help me at every turn).

While I have demonstrated an ability to say “No Thank you” on many occasions, this time, I lacked the will for the last month.  All of the weight that I managed to lose ahead of Easter has piled back on, and I’m unhappily back over 200 pounds.  I feel disappointed, angry, and a bit helpless (which I know is not true).  

Do I have a plan?  Of course I do (don’t I always)?  Now that the quarter is over, and I’m fresh from vacation, I’m going into this next month with all good intentions.  Scheduling more exercise, carving out time in my calendar for it at work, adding more strength and core exercises, and truly limiting my caloric intake (doing a ‘hard stop’ at 1500 calories – meaning if I hit that limit, I’m done eating for the day).   It’s going to require discipline, which I know I have if I put my mind to it. 

The one conflict is that I know that I need to commit to this for a long period of time (think 6-12 months), but that idea is exhausting.  Thinking day-to-day doesn’t work for me; it gives me the excuse of ‘missing one day isn’t a big deal’, so I’m going to put this back into that same six week horizon that seemed to work last time (than book six more weeks after that, etc.).  So starting today, I would need to stick to it through about June 19^th, which is the day of the 5K I’m directing.  So while I thought this would be about Re-Lent, maybe “Father’s Day Fit” has a better ring to it.

Motivational Struggles

For the last few weeks, I’ve been battling something I haven’t had to deal with before, and while I’m not overly concerned, I don’t like it.

My problem is motivation, plain and simple. It feels like for weeks now, I have lacked the desire to work on my projects and activities, whether at work, in my community service, or even my recreations.  Very few things seem to hold my interest, or excite me  to work on them.  Rather, I’ve had to drag myself / force myself to work on them, and even then, I’m doing it without enthusiasm, and more from a sense of obligation to make some effort.  (Even this blog post, being written on a plane where I have little else interesting to do, is being done to help me process this idea.)

This has never been a problem before.  I’ve always had a number of projects working, so there was always something that would clamor for my attention that I would want to work on.  Yes, that would mean that some projects would stall while others progressed, but I’ve been able to make that work, and also make sure that all of my projects got their necessary minimal attention to make progress.

It’s now been weeks, and I have a lot of projects to work on.  Work has been busy (lots of projects there), I have an athletic training schedule, a nutrition program, strength training, yardwork, Scout leadership and education, financial planning, and even a 5K for which I’m the race director coming up in 2 months.  I’ve got a backlist of movies and podcasts that I want to consume, and a few blogs that I would like to write on (or contribute to).  

So that list may indicate one problem – I’ve got too much going on.  I don’t feel  overwhelmed (as one friend says, overwhelmed is nothing more than a prioritization issue), and I’ve always had a project list like this.  I’ve fit in marathon and triathlon training during rough work periods before, which is equal to 2-3 of these projects in time required.  So it’s not overscheduling.  

Another possibility would be some mild type of depression.  I’m not sure where that would come from, but if it was physical, I wouldn’t necessarily be able to trace it effectively.  (That said, this could also be mirroring; where you hear about something and seem to note that you’re experiencing it too– another friend has been suffering from depression and talking about it.  It wouldn’t’ be the first time I had done that).   I would note that this is not any type of hopelessness / depressive state – friends, I’m not in any danger, it’s just a low-energy type of state I’m feeling.

I’ve been telling myself to snap out of it.  That hasn’t worked.  I thought that a vacation to a goal destination (the Grand Canyon) would inspire me.  So far, it hasn’t, but I’m not even home from that trip yet.  There’s the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach that has helped me in the past – that’s my more likely approach for the next two weeks.  I’ve tried that on some projects for the past two weeks, and it got things done, just not with as much energy as I have to give. 

And perhaps I need to apply some self-psychology a la Dave Ramsey – get some small quick wins to develop some momentum.  Right now, I think about half of my projects could generate that with a little bit of extra effort.  Now that work is calming down after a month of intensity (which is a normal schedule), I can carve out a bit of extra time to spend pushing for that extra outcome, and by June, be roaring with output.  If not, we’ll head off in a different direction.

Slash Wednesday

I restarted my diet nutrition plan today (again)

After a very successful Lent, where I really watched what I ate, eliminated soda, cookies, baked goods, etc, Easter eventually came, and with that, old habits came ROARING back. 

(That's one element of my personality that frustrates me, and even more that I see it in my son.  Our habits are deep-set, and hard to really break.)

After losing several pounds during this Lent (as I often do), 10 days away from a healthy diet set me back, big time.  I'm not back to where I started, but I can see it from here.  And I'm scared.

Scared because I recognize the path I'm on, and where it will take me if left unchecked.  Scared because I know the next three weeks will not help me due to work and some upcoming travel.  Scared because I know that this is the time of year I can get momentum, and if I don't do it now, I might not do it at all.

This is not a pleasant feeling.  Nor, however, is it inevitable.  As with many elements of my life, I have the capacity to control it.  What seems to be missing, though, is the deep-seated desire to control it. 

In order to succeed in this weight-loss plan, I have to put long-term gains ahead of short-term ones.  Hard to do in the environment I'm in, both physically and mentally.  If I could, I would work out a lot, which actually keeps my appetite down (weird, huh?), but no, I spend a lot of time in meetings, sitting and not moving.  My fitness tracker hates that, and I'm starting to, as well. 

And while sitting doesn't make me hungry, boredom does, and for me, a lack of physical activity triggers boredom.  I know, it's all emotional, not physical, and I do derive a certain satisfaction out of feelings of hunger (at least I did during this past Lent). 

I need to make some structural changes to my work-life, and if I do, I can succeed.  Every morning in bed, it seems like such an easy thing to do, and every night, it seems like such an important thing to do.

Now if I could just bring myself to do it.......

Turning points

I'm here on the eve of my 45th birthday, and I'm thinking that it's time for a change.  But I have two questions:

1. What is it that I want to change?
2. How do I get the changes that I want to actually stick?

Change can be hard.  Inertia is SOOO much easier.  I know my habits, my routine, my daily ritual of sleep, run, work, eat, repeat (that eat and repeat thing is a real challenge).  That routine is like an old friend that I haven't really outgrown, but is tethering me in my past instead of building me for a future that isn't yet defined. 

The terrible thing is (1st world problem, mind you) is that I know I'm unhappy about certain aspects of my life: my personality traits, my behaviors, my attitudes, and my abilities.  But at the same time, I seem to be unwilling to put forward the efforts to change them in any significant way. 

It's not that I haven't tried, and sometimes even succeeded for a while, but it's like a diet - good for a little while, but before long, old habits creep back into the picture, and in seemingly no time, the diet is a memory, not a lifestyle.

Even this year, I used Lent as a way to shake things up a little - put some restrictions on myself that were good for me, and I saw some changes.  I was eating healthier and less, I stopped drinking soda, and for six weeks, I saw and felt success.  But here we are only 5 days after Lent ended, and I have seen the Russ of Fall 2015 come roaring back like he was just on vacation. 

Thing is: I know I can be different.  I know I can change. I know what good, positive changes look like and feel like.  I'm lacking a tool, though, like a motto or a mantra, or a support system - something to remind me why I want to change, and that I have the power to choose to do so, and to hold me accountable.  Because in the end, everything we do is a choice, either conscious or (sometimes willfully) unconscious.  I think I want a mental reminder to help me make sure that my decisions are all deliberate, but even one's will is subject to fatigue.

Tomorrow I turn 45.  There are a few things that I really want for this birthday: 
First, some self-forgiveness.  I spend too much time hoping for a better past that is just never going to come.  It's time to let go and only look forward.
Second, some self-appreciation.  I'm always beating myself up for the things I'm not doing, or not doing well enough, without stopping to appreciate where I am, what I can do, and from where I've come.  My life and my health are much different than they were 20 years ago, and that's a good thing.
Third, self-permission to enjoy myself more. I frequently find myself focused on doing what I should be doing, rather than what I want to be doing.  Often that's fine, as those drives coincide.  But there are some things I should do not because they serve someone, but just because I enjoy doing them.  It's been hard for me to do that for what seems like a long time.

All of these are in my control (and more!).  My circle of influence in this regard is quite large, but it seems like all-too-often, I forget it.  Maybe that's what birthdays are for - to mark the passage of time so we remember to take stock once in a while.  I'm not mid-life crisis-ing.  I think I did that at 25, and it actually served me well, and put me on the path that got me where I am today.  Maybe I need another crisis moment to take the next leap forward, but I'm going to take a few weeks and see if I can do that through some sort of mid-life peace instead.

(P.S.  I know this post probably sounds quite self-serving, but I'm not sure anyone reads this thing other than me, so it's really directed at my most frequent reader.  Maybe someday I'll turn this blog into something worth reading.  Haven't seemed to find that spark yet, though).

Celebrity Trumps Policy in 2016 Race

If there's one thing that's become evident in the 2016 Republican Primaries, it's that our celebrity culture has taken itself to a new level.  Apparently gone are the times when we evaluated (or even thought about) the policies that a new President would enact - now it's all about who can say the most outrageous or provocative statement, and thereby make the news.

If you're paying attention to the media, you know this refers to the Donald Trump candidacy, and the idiocy that has been the last two weeks of campaigning.  With clear attacks against him, and not-so-veiled references to his manhood (by both Trump and several of the other candidates), we have seen the value of political rhetoric sink into levels heretofore thought unreachable.

This isn't entirely spontaneous, though - at least I don't think so.  The personal attacks on Trump by Marco Rubio weren't really about pointing out his faults - they were about getting free airtime on a national stage, to show that he was relevant in the campaign.  I'm sure he didn't think very hard about bringing the dialogue down 'into the mud' which he said a few weeks ago he would never do.  He couldn't, as he's fighting for his political survival.

That doesn't make it right, though, and it in part only emboldened Trump supporters, who think he's being attacked unfairly.  They're right, he is.

What he should be attacked on are his policies, and I would like to see that take more of a center stage in this election before it's too late.  While Trump may have some policy positions, that's not what he wants to talk about.  he wants to be bombastic, outrageous, to hone in on the five word phrase that Americans can remember and repeat ("Let's make America great again"? I didn't realize we weren't!). 

While we're all focused on that, we'll neglect to notice that when his statements don't directly contradict each other, they often don't make any sense.  Trump has as much chance of getting his policies passed into law as Bernie Sanders would with a Republican congress.

As citizens (for those of us in the U.S.), we need to demand more out of our leadership candidates.  We need to get them to talk about what they will do in office, not just during the campaign.  We need to know how they would work to get legislation passed, what their real stands are on issues.  There are still enough states yet to vote (mine included) to make a difference in the selection of our nominees.  Before it's too late, and we nominate someone who can't defend a policy position against any rational attack, we need to press the candidates on the issues that matter, and not be embarrassed by our selection in September and October.......

.......unless all we really want is bread and circuses.

Will FBI v. Apple ultimately threaten Bitcoin?

Governments are all about national security - that's almost a given.  So it totally makes sense that the FBI would want to unlock the iphone used by the perpetrators of the San Bernadino shootings.  It shouldn't be surprising that the FBI would then want to use that same technology update to access other iPhones in other national security cases, then other federal crime cases, and then any cases.  It's the slippery slope we've seen often when government adopt new technologies (e.g. assault weapons now used against minor drug offenses).

But what if this isn't really about national security, or iPhone privacy at all?  What if there's a deeper issue about privacy and anonymity that the government sees in the bitcoin movement? 

Next to national security, governments are most interested in making sure they collect all the taxes that they can.  The rising growth of bitcoin threatens that interest, in the anonymous nature of bitcoin transactions.  Without a source and identity associated with transactions, governments will lack the ability to properly trace and audit financial and commercial transactions for the purposes of collecting taxes (and, as a sideline, preventing nefarious activity).

The same 'weakness' has been highlighted as a feature of cash recently, but with cash, it's difficult to move substantial amounts of money over long distances and national borders without significant weight and volume issues ($1M of $100 bills is about 22 pounds worth).  With bitcoin, that weight problem is eliminated without the loss of anonymity.  Billions can move great physical distances at the push of a button, safely and securely, and anonymously.

And maybe that's what really has the government concerned, and what they're really after - a way to force any company that promotes anonymity and privacy into developing backdoors into that technology.  This national security issue is one that galvanizes public support in a way that tapping into commercial transactions for tax revenue would not. 

The outcome, however, might be the same, and it will be quite interesting to see how the government argues this case - either in the very specific details of 'we need this one phone for national security' or the more general 'we need to be able and allowed to force open encryption by any entity who would create that encryption in the first place'.  If the more general case is the one being pursued, and succeeds, bitcoin's useful life as an anonymous crypto-currency will be short indeed.

The Lesser of two Evils

While discussing the primary returns from Nevada and South Carolina today, my son asked me the question: "If the election came down to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, who would you vote for?" 

Ick.  Possibly the worst outcome of our fractious primary system in the US presidential election would be that situation, and if it came to that, I might find myself in the 'Draft a 3rd party candidate' campaign, but naturally, my son saw that option coming, and limited me to these two candidates only.

Tough call, but I expect I might even find myself voting for Bernie Sanders in this case.  While I am a registered Republican, and generally quite conservative, I see 'less damage' in a Sanders presidency than if Donald Trump were elected.

While I don't agree with several of Mr. Sanders' views and positions, the enactment of his policies would require a Congress that would be willing to enact laws aligned to that position.  While the power of the Presidency is significant, real change requires consensus among the Legislature and the Executive branch.  I'm not convinced that the country is ready to swing dramatically in the "Democratic Socialist" direction that Mr. Sanders would prefer, so I would  expect that the Congress would be in opposition during the term of his potential presidency.

The same may be true of Donald Trump - the country at large is not really ready for his brand of conservatism, either (although he might start with a Republican Congress, if only for two years).  But a hypothetical President Trump represents a risk of embarrassing and weakening America.  In his candidacy, he has repeated spoken off the cuff, and said things that we would not find acceptable from a President, and many times he has had to come back after the fact to explain himself and try to soften the blow.  International diplomacy (a key role for the president!) doesn't give much allowance for 'second chances'.  While I may agree with many of his policies (not all), the other candidates have equal or better positions (but again, I'm hoping to escape this binary choice). 

The actual voting results for Trump have consistently been lower than the pre-vote polls indicate; I take this as a sign that he may excite people, but when it comes down to actually pulling a lever for a candidate, the electorate looks hard at the candidates, and makes a better decision.  Let's hope that in the end, my son's scenario is not a choice I'll have to make.

SCOTUS and the US Presidential Candidates

A dramatic event happened in US politics this weekend – the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and the political fallout that then occurred.

It was an event to me mainly because he was the first Supreme Court Justice that I remember going through the confirmation process.  He was appointed in 1986 by Ronald Reagan, when I was 15 years old and just learning about national government (in part due to my participation in Boy Scouts).  I didn’t follow his nomination and appointment very closely, but I learned enough to be very interested by both the Robert Bork nomination and again with David Souter a few years later, which I followed closely.

Justice Scalia’s passing was a surprise (and a blow to relative conservatives like me), but more surprising was the reaction from the various presidential candidates.  Immediately after his passing (the same night, in fact) several candidates for the Republican nomination came out and said that no nominee by President Obama should be confirmed by the Senate, as is required by the US Constitution.  

To me, this is a twofold mistake, both in policy and politics.  On policy, it’s a rejection of the principles of the Constitution, which enumerates powers of the President (including supreme court nominations) for the entire four years of his term, not just the three years (and shrinking!) before the election cycle starts. As of right now, there are not even nominees to replace the president when his term ends, and the election cycle has been running since June of last year, so the idea that a president could not successfully nominate a SCOTUS justice is to de facto shorten the term of the President.  (Two notes; First, Justice Scalia himself, as a strict constructionist, would have hated the idea that the Constitution would be overridden by political considerations.  Second, there is an unwritten rule called the “Thurmond Rule” about nominating a justice at the end of one’s term.  It’s a bad rule, and too early to invoke it anyway).

Second, politically.  By rejecting the nomination of any justice before it’s even been made, the Republicans are handing their Democrat opponents an easy issue with which to beat them.  The statement that the Republicans are willing to circumvent the Constitution or thwart the will of the people to get their way is almost too easy, and will energize the base of Democrat voters who don’t trust the Republicans to run the government.  It could also lead to a groundswell of independent voters who will feel the same way, and at a minimum, who may vote for a Republican president, but also a Democrat Senate to keep the power of the President in check.  (Note: candidate Ted Cruz has stated he would filibuster a nominee himself – if he were to do that, it would be the end of his viability as a candidate; Americans do not want to see paralysis in their government.)

I, for one, am actually writing to my Senators, urging them to put aside election year politics, and abide by the authority given to them by the Constitution.  President Obama clearly has the right to nominate a justice to SCOTUS, and the Senate has an obligation to confirm or reject the candidate on the merits of the candidate only, and not their politics.  If the one hundred (or so) Senators cannot see their way to carry out this responsibility, they have no place holding their office.