Where's the "er"?

Given my family history, and my requirements for Boy Scouts, I keep up with my health checkups.  So I recently went to see my doctor for my annual physical.  We went through the results of my blood tests, and she asked me how I was doing.  No major complaints, I said, but I’ve been feeling a little less energetic, and seemed to be more subject to minor irritations like soreness, discomfort, or poor sleeping.  That’s not too surprising, she said, because you’re starting to get old.

I waited for the ‘er’. 

As in, “You’re starting to get old-er”.  It didn’t come.     Why didn’t it come?, I thought  Did she really mean what she said?  Did she realize the implications of that missing syllable?  Was it just a slip, or was she trying to tell me something?

After all, we’re all getting older – that’s just a fact of life and numbers.  But I’m not ready to think of myself as old.  Sure, I’m in my mid-forties, but in my eye, I’m still in my late 20’s / early 30’s  - still learning new things, having new experiences, trying to figure out my real place in the world.  How could I be thought of as old? Maybe in the 1700’s I would qualify, but this is the 21^st century, and my life expectancy is 93.  I’m not halfway done on this planet yet.

Besides that, we had just finished discussing that I was in great health.  I’m an active person, even to the point of running marathons and triathlons.  I’m all there mentally (ok, mostly) and while I could lose a few pounds, all I have is a minor issue here or there.  They’re nothing debilitating, and more just things that ‘we should watch’, given my history and my family history.  My doc actually downplayed all of the things that I was worried would take me down – she said none of those seemed to be real issues for me.

So why the “old” reference?  I’ve mostly convinced myself that she really didn’t mean it, that it was a throwaway comment to dismiss my concerns as “no big deal” (and they aren’t a big deal).  I did hesitate telling my wife this story, on the off chance that she would agree with my doctor, though.

But it has gotten me thinking about what ‘old’ really means to me, and I’m just not there, and can’t even see there from here.  To me, old implies inactive, passive, disengaged and weak, while old-er simply means that things change.  Fortunately, I have role models in my mother and in-laws of what older can be without being old – they’re all in their 70s, and are physically and mentally active, and engaged in their communities. 

That’s encouraging to say the least, and provide a blueprint for me to follow as I celebrate the many birthdays yet to come.  And with health issues headed for the bottom of my worry list, I can focus a little bit on being happy.

Or should I say, happy-er?

Recurring themes

May is now over, and June has begun.  Another new beginning, another look back at the month just past.  I had started the month with lofty ambitions, as I often do, but the reality of my world invaded, again, as it often does.

And that's a theme in this blog - transformation can be hard.  It's not something you wake up one day and just do, or at least I don't.  Habits are powerful.  Inertia is powerful.  Routines are powerful.  Those can work in both positive ways and negative ways - the circle can be vicious or virtuous.  All too often it's the latter.

But I condemn myself too much, perhaps.  I have not fallen off a cliff in any sense.  My regret is about a lack of progress forward rather than declines, so I'm really no worse off than I was at the start of the month.  In fact, I may be on the road to success, because now I know some of what I was doing wrong, and therefore I have the power to course-correct and make some incremental headway.

It doesn't always feel like that, however.  All too often, it feels like I'm fighting that uphill battle, with the wind in my face and anchors pulling me down (how's that for a mixed metaphor?)  And since I'm not getting anywhere, I lose some of the fight in me.  On more than a few fronts, I'm seeking the "Why?"  about my goals.  In many respects, I know the "how?" parts - I know what would need to be done to succeed, or at least I know that I could work it out.  What I lack is the definitive reason why I want to achieve my goals - whether intrinsic or extrinsic, the 'why' keeps eluding me.

So maybe that should be my new goal - finding the why within myself.  That sounds wishy-washy to my ex-accountant ears, but maybe there's something there for me to find.  Some sort of inspiration - after all, one of my goals is to lose weight, so I am really chasing enlightenment.

(and puns like that are why my sons hate me)

Staying on top of things

Based on my family history, I try to stay on top of my state of health.  Fortunately for me, it's also a requirement of my Boy Scout leadership that I get an annual physical, and I have a health plan that covers it.

And that came in handy this year.  I've written recently about how my running has been slower than normal, including my personal worst half marathon.  Sure, there were reasons for that, but I was wondering if there might be some physical root cause.  Turns out, there was.

I had a bit of a problem last year with a low-iron count in my physical, which had me taking iron supplements for a while last year to recover.  This year, instead of being better, it was actually worse.  At least that got a conversation started, that potentially traced back my low iron to the combination of my running, but more importantly, recently blood donations.  It seems that because of my running, my iron count may not be recovering from donations in the way it should be, and that seems to be the cause of my fatigue.  At least now I have an answer, and something I can do to fix it.

Which is a good thing, because I've got plans!  I'm running a triathlon next week, a Ragnar relay in September, a marathon at some point this year, and my long-term plans include either a Half-Ironman triathlon or a 50-Mile race (or maybe even both!)  I can't be fatigued and train at any level of quality.

And I *am* in training.  I've already started trying to ramp up both my running and my cross-training, including a 40-mile bike ride just this morning.  I'm planning a 15-mile run in the morning, and after next week's sprint Tri, I'm going full speed on running, and selecting and training for a marathon (and maybe a 50K).

This wouldn't have been conceivable, though, if I was suffering through my training decline without knowing why my speed was slowing and my energy was depleted. Getting a physical annually helped to detect this problem and create a solution.  While I'm more concerned about heart disease and diabetes (issues which appear to be under control), taking the time to get checked out turned up a problem and solution that will help me enjoy my life more.

I frequently read that men are reluctant to get their health checked; certainly, that's not me, and hopefully not you either.  It's better to know what may be wrong and help address it, than to live in ignorance of problems that can grow beyond control until it's too late.

Mid-may update

Well, it's been two weeks since I said goodbye to April and hello to May.  It's been a productive couple of weeks, and I've felt some energy returning, although my running has been more miss than hit.  This past weekend, I  know I overdid it, doing Yoga on Friday night, a 30-mile bike ride on Saturday followed by two hours of chopping wood, and then a 14-mile hilly run on Sunday.  By Sunday night, I was exhausted. 

That clearly bled into the start of the week, as my Tuesday speedwork at the track was anything but.  Bringing up the rear of the pack, my third set of 800s would be my last attempt at going fast, and I spent the rest of the session just trying to turn in some decent pace.  Don't think I succeeded.

So on Wednesday, I went back to the track for redemption.  I ran the 5K course around the school, and then a few laps of the track to get in 5 miles.  I did focus on speed, so I was fast, but my breathing was harder than it should have been.  I've clearly lost both speed and fitness over the past several months, so that will be part of my summer work.

I wish my diet was even that consistent, though.  I think I've had about 5 days of the past 18 that really worked well.  Funny thing - I know why those days worked well, and why lots of others haven't, but I don't seem to be able to control my actions as much as I used to.  I know there's a lot of stuff going around in my head that's keeping me from doing the right thing, but it should be easier than this.

But then again, my concerns are slight compared to what many others are going through.  I won't go into details but a few people close to me are dealing with real problems, not the kind of superficial things that I seem to obsess over.  I am very grateful for the blessings that I have, and I hope and pray for others near me to be healthy, hopeful and peaceful.  We can all use a little more of that.

May Day (not the SOS kind)

Welcome to May 2016!

I, for one, am happy to see April in my rear-view mirror.  While there were some great parts to it (my niece married a great guy, I vacationed in the Grand Canyon, and on the last day of the month, I bought a car and gave mine to my newly-licensed son), there were lots of elements that didn't work for me, especially my diet and exercise regime.  I gave back (almost) all of the benefits of Lent in my weight, I rarely worked out, and as a result, I'm feeling less good physically than I have in a while.

As evidence, this morning I ran my slowest half-marathon ever.  Granted, it was after I had already run a 5K this morning, but I've done this race combination twice before, and it was never this slow.  Even the 5K wasn't very fast, but the reason is clear - no training, and poor dietary habits will get you nowhere in the athletic world.

But April is over, and today is a new day and a new month, and a new beginning.  I've decided on a series of habits to work on, some physical, some mental, some spiritual, and I'm going to focus on them for the next few months.  When I was conducting my running streak, I always managed to make time for at least one mile a day - that's 10 minutes in my book (plus time to change clothes, get ready, etc.) and most of my new objectives can fit into 10 minutes a day (the running streak is off for now)

The biggest (and hardest) part is getting back into a dietary regimen.  That means cutting out some foods, limiting others, and focusing on fresh, natural foods, at least for a while.  As anyone who reads this blog knows, I've had more than my share of false starts, and this may be another one.  I would welcome anyone's support and encouragement to help get me through, but my strongest advocate (my wife) is behind me, and if she is on my side, there's nothing I can't do, right?

One of my recurring actions will be blogging - at least once a week, 3X a week even better.  There's a lot to talk about in the world, not just my personal life, and an entry can take only about 15 minutes (sure - longer if I want it to be good), but I'm to the point where I can fit that in, even if I'm typing it in on my phone (so pardon the spelling errors in the future :-) )

Father's Day Fit - Seven weeks and counting.

Father's Day Fit

I spoke earlier on the blog about my using Lent to get control of my habits, and of my weight issues.  That worked really well for me, right up until Lent ended.  It was then that I realized that my efforts were based on pillars of sand.  

I was looking to really change my diet – not in the “I’m on a diet for a few weeks” style, but try to make fundamental changes to my eating habits, and my exercise habits.  For six weeks they worked, but Easter came, and out came the excuses.  First, it was Easter, with the chocolate and the release of Lenten promises.  Then came a wedding, and my birthday, and those made for reasons to eat outside of my new norm.

But that was only a week, and I could totally have recovered.  But then the quarter close came at work – these come four times a year, and require a lot of focused effort and energy, and also a lot of time – 12-16 hour days for 7-10 days are not unusual.  So I tend to eat dinner (sometimes all three meals) at the office, and I’m not known for making the best decision when I’m tired and faced with lots of food items I enjoy.  This cycle was particularly bad, as we had multiple birthdays, baby showers, farewell celebrations, etc. that put temptation in front of me on a regular basis.   

After that, I went on vacation for a week, and thought I would use this as a time to do less eating and more workouts.  Thanks (in part) to a pulled muscle a few days before vacation, that didn’t work out on the workout side, and the experience of travel (and the desire for freedom that comes with it) left my menu plans in the dust (with no criticism to my wife, who was trying to help me at every turn).

While I have demonstrated an ability to say “No Thank you” on many occasions, this time, I lacked the will for the last month.  All of the weight that I managed to lose ahead of Easter has piled back on, and I’m unhappily back over 200 pounds.  I feel disappointed, angry, and a bit helpless (which I know is not true).  

Do I have a plan?  Of course I do (don’t I always)?  Now that the quarter is over, and I’m fresh from vacation, I’m going into this next month with all good intentions.  Scheduling more exercise, carving out time in my calendar for it at work, adding more strength and core exercises, and truly limiting my caloric intake (doing a ‘hard stop’ at 1500 calories – meaning if I hit that limit, I’m done eating for the day).   It’s going to require discipline, which I know I have if I put my mind to it. 

The one conflict is that I know that I need to commit to this for a long period of time (think 6-12 months), but that idea is exhausting.  Thinking day-to-day doesn’t work for me; it gives me the excuse of ‘missing one day isn’t a big deal’, so I’m going to put this back into that same six week horizon that seemed to work last time (than book six more weeks after that, etc.).  So starting today, I would need to stick to it through about June 19^th, which is the day of the 5K I’m directing.  So while I thought this would be about Re-Lent, maybe “Father’s Day Fit” has a better ring to it.

Motivational Struggles

For the last few weeks, I’ve been battling something I haven’t had to deal with before, and while I’m not overly concerned, I don’t like it.

My problem is motivation, plain and simple. It feels like for weeks now, I have lacked the desire to work on my projects and activities, whether at work, in my community service, or even my recreations.  Very few things seem to hold my interest, or excite me  to work on them.  Rather, I’ve had to drag myself / force myself to work on them, and even then, I’m doing it without enthusiasm, and more from a sense of obligation to make some effort.  (Even this blog post, being written on a plane where I have little else interesting to do, is being done to help me process this idea.)

This has never been a problem before.  I’ve always had a number of projects working, so there was always something that would clamor for my attention that I would want to work on.  Yes, that would mean that some projects would stall while others progressed, but I’ve been able to make that work, and also make sure that all of my projects got their necessary minimal attention to make progress.

It’s now been weeks, and I have a lot of projects to work on.  Work has been busy (lots of projects there), I have an athletic training schedule, a nutrition program, strength training, yardwork, Scout leadership and education, financial planning, and even a 5K for which I’m the race director coming up in 2 months.  I’ve got a backlist of movies and podcasts that I want to consume, and a few blogs that I would like to write on (or contribute to).  

So that list may indicate one problem – I’ve got too much going on.  I don’t feel  overwhelmed (as one friend says, overwhelmed is nothing more than a prioritization issue), and I’ve always had a project list like this.  I’ve fit in marathon and triathlon training during rough work periods before, which is equal to 2-3 of these projects in time required.  So it’s not overscheduling.  

Another possibility would be some mild type of depression.  I’m not sure where that would come from, but if it was physical, I wouldn’t necessarily be able to trace it effectively.  (That said, this could also be mirroring; where you hear about something and seem to note that you’re experiencing it too– another friend has been suffering from depression and talking about it.  It wouldn’t’ be the first time I had done that).   I would note that this is not any type of hopelessness / depressive state – friends, I’m not in any danger, it’s just a low-energy type of state I’m feeling.

I’ve been telling myself to snap out of it.  That hasn’t worked.  I thought that a vacation to a goal destination (the Grand Canyon) would inspire me.  So far, it hasn’t, but I’m not even home from that trip yet.  There’s the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach that has helped me in the past – that’s my more likely approach for the next two weeks.  I’ve tried that on some projects for the past two weeks, and it got things done, just not with as much energy as I have to give. 

And perhaps I need to apply some self-psychology a la Dave Ramsey – get some small quick wins to develop some momentum.  Right now, I think about half of my projects could generate that with a little bit of extra effort.  Now that work is calming down after a month of intensity (which is a normal schedule), I can carve out a bit of extra time to spend pushing for that extra outcome, and by June, be roaring with output.  If not, we’ll head off in a different direction.