Career Angst (Lies, Betrayal and emotional exhaustion)

Today was Friday, and lately, Fridays have been bad days for me at work.  Today - today was no exception.

The work was normal, as it seems to be every Friday (maybe a little bit lighter than normal, actually).  It's not the actual work, it's the career conversations.

Background: I've been in my role for 4 years and 8 months, in a company where people are expected to move every 2-3 years.  I had a chance at the 3 year mark, but my leader persuaded me not to move, as he had something lined up which was a better job, and likely a faster path to promotion.  However, nothing ever came of that.  After six months, we talked about moving me, and he said he was looking for a role.  Same thing six months later.  And again. 

Not that there has been a lot of movement at my level, but there's been enough to have moved me.  In fact, I was seeing people I didn't think were so great moving into jobs that I would have wanted.  So I wound up talking to our HR guy, who told me some truth - that I didn't have the sponsorship to make it to the next level, and while my leader thought I was great, no one else did.  That discussion turned into a bad weekend.

So I decided to talk to another leader, who had a bit more control over the overall organization.  That discussion wasn't much better.  He actually indicated that I would need to step backwards for a few years before I could step forward.  Another not good weekend thinking about (ok, obsessing) about that.

Earlier this week, I found out about a role that was opening, and it was one that I had told my boss I would like during our earlier discussions.  Before I could talk the hiring manager, I found out the role was already filled.  I spoke with that hiring manager today, who indicated that he had actually asked for me, and was told that I was not available to take the role.

So I now find myself in a strange predicament.  My boss (at least tells me that he) believes I have talent, and should be promoted in my current organization.  But his boss doesn't agree, and says I need to move (essentially) backwards first, so he's not going to promote me.  And my boss doesn't agree with that assessment, so it appears he's not going to let me go to other promotable roles, either.  IT's a bit of a catch-22 situation for me.  Typical Friday.

But it's not.  I'm not getting overly emotional about it.  I'm not obsessing on it (other than writing this post), and I feel somehow liberated.  Like I finally understand something about my situation that had not been clear.  Don't get me wrong - I feel completely betrayed by my boss, and now understand that I don't think he is totally after my best interests.  I'm working on my Monday reaction, which may amount to threatening to leave the company entirely unless someone starts treating me more fairly.  But I'm going to be logical about it - more than I have been on prior weekends.  In reality, I think I have just spent all of the emotional energy that I had on this topic. 

Family Success!

Last week, I sat down to write about the successes in my family.  My son, whose lack of talent in art was only eclipsed by his lack of interest, has apparently won an art contest in our state.  It's computer-aided art (and he's very good with computers), but given the amount of time he claims to have worked on the project, no one was more surprised than he was that he won.

Add to that my wife (also not an art prodigy, by the way), completed her 12th marathon, and notched up an age-group award in one of the hilliest and windiest races I have ever seen.  She beat her stated objective time (I think she had a goal to be faster) and her recovery this week has been really good, in that she listened to her body and took it a bit easier than normal.

I wish I had said all of that last week - I was just so proud of both of them, as well as my other son, who is doing well in college this year.

But I was tired. 

Now you know.

10 Days, and 13.1 Miles Later

We're now a week and a half into Lent, and while I've been taking it a bit more seriously than in the past, I've also had my share of slips and 'thoughtless' actions.  Given this year was supposed to be about me being intentional about a number of facets of my life, that means I haven't been the best version of myself that I've tried to be. 

But I'm trying.

Case in point (and the cause of some slips last week) was today's race.  I ran the New York City Half-Marathon this morning.  The past two weeks have been so busy at work and my community involvement, that morning workouts were rare, and night workouts are just harder to arrange and execute.  So I went into this race undertrained and undermotivated, and the results were underwhelming. 

What bothers me more now (and did last week, too) was that I used this race to justify some 'bad' behavior - poor nutrition, lighter workouts, and advocating some responsibilities that I need not have shed (or ignored).  That last bit includes family, with whom I feel i have been spending far too little time lately.  Not that they need me around (or want me around, for that matter), but I want to be with them.....they're the reason I do all I do, and if I don't get to share lives with them, then I'm not sure I see the point of the sacrifices I do make.

Week two of Lent begins tomorrow (and Spring starts on Wednesday!)  Recognizing my weakness during the past few days, and remembering the strong start to the season, I am recommitting myself to thoughtfulness, presence in the moment, discipline and commitment.  If I am to make permanent change, I need to keep renewing those promises to myself.

The Start of 40 days

Forty days can seem like a long time.....and in a lot of ways, it is.  Six weeks.  A month and a half.  Enough time that before it's over, we'll change the clocks, pass into Spring, and I'll do another quarter close, and have a birthday on the way.  Forty days. 

They say it only takes 27 days to make a new habit, or break an old one.  I'm not convinced about that - I've made new habits in much shorter time, and I broke my diet soda habit almost instantly almost six months ago.  Other habits just haven't seemed to stick at all, even after months (months!) of repetition.  There's always something that can derail you or keep you on track, and I can find both when I'm looking.

But now, it's time for Forty days. 

If that reference isn't familiar, then you're not alone.  It wasn't familiar to me all that long ago, either.  It's a turn of phrase in the Bible meant to indicate a long time, and in this case, it's the time that Jesus wandered the desert, being tempted by the devil, prior to returning to Jerusalem to accept death on a cross.

In modern times, 40 days represents the Christian period of Lent, a time of remembrance of Christ's days in the desert.  It can also be a time of introspection, of looking at the world and yourself and assessing the areas of your life that just aren't living up to the promises you've made to yourself.

In the past, I've taken this season a bit seriously, using Lent as an 'excuse' to get my body back in shape after a difficult winter.   Usually it works; last year, it didn't.  In truth, it was a miserable failure because I just wasn't committed, and that attitude persisted for the rest of the year last year, and into 2019. 

This year, I'm trying to approach Lent from a different perspective.  It's not just going to be about my physical well-being, but my emotional and spiritual as well.  This past year has been harder than most, and I'm feeling the cumulative effect of many of the decisions I've made in the past few years.  From the nature of my work to my family relationships and the obligations I've taken up in my community, I've been off from the right direction.

Not wildly off, mind you - an outsider looking at my life would say that I've got it all together.  So I'm not complaining that I'm off the rails.  I do feel, though, that the various facets of my life could achieve greater harmony, and that by trying to align them better, I can find more peace in my days. 

So that's what my next 40 days will be about.  Alignment, harmony, peace, and through those, success and happiness.  I hope that others can find the same.

Race behind me, Lent ahead

I had my third race of the season today, and by far the longest.  In fact, this was the longest run I've had since my marathon last May.  At 15.5 miles (25K), it was more than 2 miles longer than my longest runs, and those last two miles were not enjoyable.  At least my next run (NYC 1/2 Marathon) in two weeks will be mercifully shorter.

And this week starts Lent.  This is my annual nutritional restart, where I decide to act more healthily in both exercise and nutrition.  This year, I'm trying a more holistic change, addressing physical, spiritual, and vocational issues that I've had for a long time. 

This is going to involve a lot of letting go.  Letting go of old assumptions, letting go of old grievances, letting go of some aspirations (which is going to hurt the most, I think), and embracing new value systems - about my work, my life, and my worth. 

I'm looking forward to it, actually, but only hope that I can fully engage in this adjustment period.  After many years of successful focus, I've had mixed results for the past few years.  My most significant concern is that I'm trying to do too much at once; that often does not work out well.  But if I can just make a few adjustments to my habits, great things can happen.

40 days is a long time, but it's not too long to manage through.