Father's Day Fit

I spoke earlier on the blog about my using Lent to get control of my habits, and of my weight issues.  That worked really well for me, right up until Lent ended.  It was then that I realized that my efforts were based on pillars of sand.  

I was looking to really change my diet – not in the “I’m on a diet for a few weeks” style, but try to make fundamental changes to my eating habits, and my exercise habits.  For six weeks they worked, but Easter came, and out came the excuses.  First, it was Easter, with the chocolate and the release of Lenten promises.  Then came a wedding, and my birthday, and those made for reasons to eat outside of my new norm.

But that was only a week, and I could totally have recovered.  But then the quarter close came at work – these come four times a year, and require a lot of focused effort and energy, and also a lot of time – 12-16 hour days for 7-10 days are not unusual.  So I tend to eat dinner (sometimes all three meals) at the office, and I’m not known for making the best decision when I’m tired and faced with lots of food items I enjoy.  This cycle was particularly bad, as we had multiple birthdays, baby showers, farewell celebrations, etc. that put temptation in front of me on a regular basis.   

After that, I went on vacation for a week, and thought I would use this as a time to do less eating and more workouts.  Thanks (in part) to a pulled muscle a few days before vacation, that didn’t work out on the workout side, and the experience of travel (and the desire for freedom that comes with it) left my menu plans in the dust (with no criticism to my wife, who was trying to help me at every turn).

While I have demonstrated an ability to say “No Thank you” on many occasions, this time, I lacked the will for the last month.  All of the weight that I managed to lose ahead of Easter has piled back on, and I’m unhappily back over 200 pounds.  I feel disappointed, angry, and a bit helpless (which I know is not true).  

Do I have a plan?  Of course I do (don’t I always)?  Now that the quarter is over, and I’m fresh from vacation, I’m going into this next month with all good intentions.  Scheduling more exercise, carving out time in my calendar for it at work, adding more strength and core exercises, and truly limiting my caloric intake (doing a ‘hard stop’ at 1500 calories – meaning if I hit that limit, I’m done eating for the day).   It’s going to require discipline, which I know I have if I put my mind to it. 

The one conflict is that I know that I need to commit to this for a long period of time (think 6-12 months), but that idea is exhausting.  Thinking day-to-day doesn’t work for me; it gives me the excuse of ‘missing one day isn’t a big deal’, so I’m going to put this back into that same six week horizon that seemed to work last time (than book six more weeks after that, etc.).  So starting today, I would need to stick to it through about June 19^th, which is the day of the 5K I’m directing.  So while I thought this would be about Re-Lent, maybe “Father’s Day Fit” has a better ring to it.

Motivational Struggles

For the last few weeks, I’ve been battling something I haven’t had to deal with before, and while I’m not overly concerned, I don’t like it.

My problem is motivation, plain and simple. It feels like for weeks now, I have lacked the desire to work on my projects and activities, whether at work, in my community service, or even my recreations.  Very few things seem to hold my interest, or excite me  to work on them.  Rather, I’ve had to drag myself / force myself to work on them, and even then, I’m doing it without enthusiasm, and more from a sense of obligation to make some effort.  (Even this blog post, being written on a plane where I have little else interesting to do, is being done to help me process this idea.)

This has never been a problem before.  I’ve always had a number of projects working, so there was always something that would clamor for my attention that I would want to work on.  Yes, that would mean that some projects would stall while others progressed, but I’ve been able to make that work, and also make sure that all of my projects got their necessary minimal attention to make progress.

It’s now been weeks, and I have a lot of projects to work on.  Work has been busy (lots of projects there), I have an athletic training schedule, a nutrition program, strength training, yardwork, Scout leadership and education, financial planning, and even a 5K for which I’m the race director coming up in 2 months.  I’ve got a backlist of movies and podcasts that I want to consume, and a few blogs that I would like to write on (or contribute to).  

So that list may indicate one problem – I’ve got too much going on.  I don’t feel  overwhelmed (as one friend says, overwhelmed is nothing more than a prioritization issue), and I’ve always had a project list like this.  I’ve fit in marathon and triathlon training during rough work periods before, which is equal to 2-3 of these projects in time required.  So it’s not overscheduling.  

Another possibility would be some mild type of depression.  I’m not sure where that would come from, but if it was physical, I wouldn’t necessarily be able to trace it effectively.  (That said, this could also be mirroring; where you hear about something and seem to note that you’re experiencing it too– another friend has been suffering from depression and talking about it.  It wouldn’t’ be the first time I had done that).   I would note that this is not any type of hopelessness / depressive state – friends, I’m not in any danger, it’s just a low-energy type of state I’m feeling.

I’ve been telling myself to snap out of it.  That hasn’t worked.  I thought that a vacation to a goal destination (the Grand Canyon) would inspire me.  So far, it hasn’t, but I’m not even home from that trip yet.  There’s the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach that has helped me in the past – that’s my more likely approach for the next two weeks.  I’ve tried that on some projects for the past two weeks, and it got things done, just not with as much energy as I have to give. 

And perhaps I need to apply some self-psychology a la Dave Ramsey – get some small quick wins to develop some momentum.  Right now, I think about half of my projects could generate that with a little bit of extra effort.  Now that work is calming down after a month of intensity (which is a normal schedule), I can carve out a bit of extra time to spend pushing for that extra outcome, and by June, be roaring with output.  If not, we’ll head off in a different direction.

Slash Wednesday

I restarted my diet nutrition plan today (again)

After a very successful Lent, where I really watched what I ate, eliminated soda, cookies, baked goods, etc, Easter eventually came, and with that, old habits came ROARING back. 

(That's one element of my personality that frustrates me, and even more that I see it in my son.  Our habits are deep-set, and hard to really break.)

After losing several pounds during this Lent (as I often do), 10 days away from a healthy diet set me back, big time.  I'm not back to where I started, but I can see it from here.  And I'm scared.

Scared because I recognize the path I'm on, and where it will take me if left unchecked.  Scared because I know the next three weeks will not help me due to work and some upcoming travel.  Scared because I know that this is the time of year I can get momentum, and if I don't do it now, I might not do it at all.

This is not a pleasant feeling.  Nor, however, is it inevitable.  As with many elements of my life, I have the capacity to control it.  What seems to be missing, though, is the deep-seated desire to control it. 

In order to succeed in this weight-loss plan, I have to put long-term gains ahead of short-term ones.  Hard to do in the environment I'm in, both physically and mentally.  If I could, I would work out a lot, which actually keeps my appetite down (weird, huh?), but no, I spend a lot of time in meetings, sitting and not moving.  My fitness tracker hates that, and I'm starting to, as well. 

And while sitting doesn't make me hungry, boredom does, and for me, a lack of physical activity triggers boredom.  I know, it's all emotional, not physical, and I do derive a certain satisfaction out of feelings of hunger (at least I did during this past Lent). 

I need to make some structural changes to my work-life, and if I do, I can succeed.  Every morning in bed, it seems like such an easy thing to do, and every night, it seems like such an important thing to do.

Now if I could just bring myself to do it.......

Turning points

I'm here on the eve of my 45th birthday, and I'm thinking that it's time for a change.  But I have two questions:

1. What is it that I want to change?
2. How do I get the changes that I want to actually stick?

Change can be hard.  Inertia is SOOO much easier.  I know my habits, my routine, my daily ritual of sleep, run, work, eat, repeat (that eat and repeat thing is a real challenge).  That routine is like an old friend that I haven't really outgrown, but is tethering me in my past instead of building me for a future that isn't yet defined. 

The terrible thing is (1st world problem, mind you) is that I know I'm unhappy about certain aspects of my life: my personality traits, my behaviors, my attitudes, and my abilities.  But at the same time, I seem to be unwilling to put forward the efforts to change them in any significant way. 

It's not that I haven't tried, and sometimes even succeeded for a while, but it's like a diet - good for a little while, but before long, old habits creep back into the picture, and in seemingly no time, the diet is a memory, not a lifestyle.

Even this year, I used Lent as a way to shake things up a little - put some restrictions on myself that were good for me, and I saw some changes.  I was eating healthier and less, I stopped drinking soda, and for six weeks, I saw and felt success.  But here we are only 5 days after Lent ended, and I have seen the Russ of Fall 2015 come roaring back like he was just on vacation. 

Thing is: I know I can be different.  I know I can change. I know what good, positive changes look like and feel like.  I'm lacking a tool, though, like a motto or a mantra, or a support system - something to remind me why I want to change, and that I have the power to choose to do so, and to hold me accountable.  Because in the end, everything we do is a choice, either conscious or (sometimes willfully) unconscious.  I think I want a mental reminder to help me make sure that my decisions are all deliberate, but even one's will is subject to fatigue.

Tomorrow I turn 45.  There are a few things that I really want for this birthday: 
First, some self-forgiveness.  I spend too much time hoping for a better past that is just never going to come.  It's time to let go and only look forward.
Second, some self-appreciation.  I'm always beating myself up for the things I'm not doing, or not doing well enough, without stopping to appreciate where I am, what I can do, and from where I've come.  My life and my health are much different than they were 20 years ago, and that's a good thing.
Third, self-permission to enjoy myself more. I frequently find myself focused on doing what I should be doing, rather than what I want to be doing.  Often that's fine, as those drives coincide.  But there are some things I should do not because they serve someone, but just because I enjoy doing them.  It's been hard for me to do that for what seems like a long time.

All of these are in my control (and more!).  My circle of influence in this regard is quite large, but it seems like all-too-often, I forget it.  Maybe that's what birthdays are for - to mark the passage of time so we remember to take stock once in a while.  I'm not mid-life crisis-ing.  I think I did that at 25, and it actually served me well, and put me on the path that got me where I am today.  Maybe I need another crisis moment to take the next leap forward, but I'm going to take a few weeks and see if I can do that through some sort of mid-life peace instead.

(P.S.  I know this post probably sounds quite self-serving, but I'm not sure anyone reads this thing other than me, so it's really directed at my most frequent reader.  Maybe someday I'll turn this blog into something worth reading.  Haven't seemed to find that spark yet, though).

Celebrity Trumps Policy in 2016 Race

If there's one thing that's become evident in the 2016 Republican Primaries, it's that our celebrity culture has taken itself to a new level.  Apparently gone are the times when we evaluated (or even thought about) the policies that a new President would enact - now it's all about who can say the most outrageous or provocative statement, and thereby make the news.

If you're paying attention to the media, you know this refers to the Donald Trump candidacy, and the idiocy that has been the last two weeks of campaigning.  With clear attacks against him, and not-so-veiled references to his manhood (by both Trump and several of the other candidates), we have seen the value of political rhetoric sink into levels heretofore thought unreachable.

This isn't entirely spontaneous, though - at least I don't think so.  The personal attacks on Trump by Marco Rubio weren't really about pointing out his faults - they were about getting free airtime on a national stage, to show that he was relevant in the campaign.  I'm sure he didn't think very hard about bringing the dialogue down 'into the mud' which he said a few weeks ago he would never do.  He couldn't, as he's fighting for his political survival.

That doesn't make it right, though, and it in part only emboldened Trump supporters, who think he's being attacked unfairly.  They're right, he is.

What he should be attacked on are his policies, and I would like to see that take more of a center stage in this election before it's too late.  While Trump may have some policy positions, that's not what he wants to talk about.  he wants to be bombastic, outrageous, to hone in on the five word phrase that Americans can remember and repeat ("Let's make America great again"? I didn't realize we weren't!). 

While we're all focused on that, we'll neglect to notice that when his statements don't directly contradict each other, they often don't make any sense.  Trump has as much chance of getting his policies passed into law as Bernie Sanders would with a Republican congress.

As citizens (for those of us in the U.S.), we need to demand more out of our leadership candidates.  We need to get them to talk about what they will do in office, not just during the campaign.  We need to know how they would work to get legislation passed, what their real stands are on issues.  There are still enough states yet to vote (mine included) to make a difference in the selection of our nominees.  Before it's too late, and we nominate someone who can't defend a policy position against any rational attack, we need to press the candidates on the issues that matter, and not be embarrassed by our selection in September and October.......

.......unless all we really want is bread and circuses.

Will FBI v. Apple ultimately threaten Bitcoin?

Governments are all about national security - that's almost a given.  So it totally makes sense that the FBI would want to unlock the iphone used by the perpetrators of the San Bernadino shootings.  It shouldn't be surprising that the FBI would then want to use that same technology update to access other iPhones in other national security cases, then other federal crime cases, and then any cases.  It's the slippery slope we've seen often when government adopt new technologies (e.g. assault weapons now used against minor drug offenses).

But what if this isn't really about national security, or iPhone privacy at all?  What if there's a deeper issue about privacy and anonymity that the government sees in the bitcoin movement? 

Next to national security, governments are most interested in making sure they collect all the taxes that they can.  The rising growth of bitcoin threatens that interest, in the anonymous nature of bitcoin transactions.  Without a source and identity associated with transactions, governments will lack the ability to properly trace and audit financial and commercial transactions for the purposes of collecting taxes (and, as a sideline, preventing nefarious activity).

The same 'weakness' has been highlighted as a feature of cash recently, but with cash, it's difficult to move substantial amounts of money over long distances and national borders without significant weight and volume issues ($1M of $100 bills is about 22 pounds worth).  With bitcoin, that weight problem is eliminated without the loss of anonymity.  Billions can move great physical distances at the push of a button, safely and securely, and anonymously.

And maybe that's what really has the government concerned, and what they're really after - a way to force any company that promotes anonymity and privacy into developing backdoors into that technology.  This national security issue is one that galvanizes public support in a way that tapping into commercial transactions for tax revenue would not. 

The outcome, however, might be the same, and it will be quite interesting to see how the government argues this case - either in the very specific details of 'we need this one phone for national security' or the more general 'we need to be able and allowed to force open encryption by any entity who would create that encryption in the first place'.  If the more general case is the one being pursued, and succeeds, bitcoin's useful life as an anonymous crypto-currency will be short indeed.

The Lesser of two Evils

While discussing the primary returns from Nevada and South Carolina today, my son asked me the question: "If the election came down to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, who would you vote for?" 

Ick.  Possibly the worst outcome of our fractious primary system in the US presidential election would be that situation, and if it came to that, I might find myself in the 'Draft a 3rd party candidate' campaign, but naturally, my son saw that option coming, and limited me to these two candidates only.

Tough call, but I expect I might even find myself voting for Bernie Sanders in this case.  While I am a registered Republican, and generally quite conservative, I see 'less damage' in a Sanders presidency than if Donald Trump were elected.

While I don't agree with several of Mr. Sanders' views and positions, the enactment of his policies would require a Congress that would be willing to enact laws aligned to that position.  While the power of the Presidency is significant, real change requires consensus among the Legislature and the Executive branch.  I'm not convinced that the country is ready to swing dramatically in the "Democratic Socialist" direction that Mr. Sanders would prefer, so I would  expect that the Congress would be in opposition during the term of his potential presidency.

The same may be true of Donald Trump - the country at large is not really ready for his brand of conservatism, either (although he might start with a Republican Congress, if only for two years).  But a hypothetical President Trump represents a risk of embarrassing and weakening America.  In his candidacy, he has repeated spoken off the cuff, and said things that we would not find acceptable from a President, and many times he has had to come back after the fact to explain himself and try to soften the blow.  International diplomacy (a key role for the president!) doesn't give much allowance for 'second chances'.  While I may agree with many of his policies (not all), the other candidates have equal or better positions (but again, I'm hoping to escape this binary choice). 

The actual voting results for Trump have consistently been lower than the pre-vote polls indicate; I take this as a sign that he may excite people, but when it comes down to actually pulling a lever for a candidate, the electorate looks hard at the candidates, and makes a better decision.  Let's hope that in the end, my son's scenario is not a choice I'll have to make.