- What is it that I want to change?
- How do I get the changes that I want to actually stick?
Change can be hard. Inertia is SOOO much easier. I know my habits, my routine, my daily ritual of sleep, run, work, eat, repeat (that eat and repeat thing is a real challenge). That routine is like an old friend that I haven't really outgrown, but is tethering me in my past instead of building me for a future that isn't yet defined.
The terrible thing is (1st world problem, mind you) is that I know I'm unhappy about certain aspects of my life: my personality traits, my behaviors, my attitudes, and my abilities. But at the same time, I seem to be unwilling to put forward the efforts to change them in any significant way.
It's not that I haven't tried, and sometimes even succeeded for a while, but it's like a diet - good for a little while, but before long, old habits creep back into the picture, and in seemingly no time, the diet is a memory, not a lifestyle.
Even this year, I used Lent as a way to shake things up a little - put some restrictions on myself that were good for me, and I saw some changes. I was eating healthier and less, I stopped drinking soda, and for six weeks, I saw and felt success. But here we are only 5 days after Lent ended, and I have seen the Russ of Fall 2015 come roaring back like he was just on vacation.
Thing is: I know I can be different. I know I can change. I know what good, positive changes look like and feel like. I'm lacking a tool, though, like a motto or a mantra, or a support system - something to remind me why I want to change, and that I have the power to choose to do so, and to hold me accountable. Because in the end, everything we do is a choice, either conscious or (sometimes willfully) unconscious. I think I want a mental reminder to help me make sure that my decisions are all deliberate, but even one's will is subject to fatigue.
Tomorrow I turn 45. There are a few things that I really want for this birthday:
First, some self-forgiveness. I spend too much time hoping for a better past that is just never going to come. It's time to let go and only look forward.
Second, some self-appreciation. I'm always beating myself up for the things I'm not doing, or not doing well enough, without stopping to appreciate where I am, what I can do, and from where I've come. My life and my health are much different than they were 20 years ago, and that's a good thing.
Third, self-permission to enjoy myself more. I frequently find myself focused on doing what I should be doing, rather than what I want to be doing. Often that's fine, as those drives coincide. But there are some things I should do not because they serve someone, but just because I enjoy doing them. It's been hard for me to do that for what seems like a long time.
All of these are in my control (and more!). My circle of influence in this regard is quite large, but it seems like all-too-often, I forget it. Maybe that's what birthdays are for - to mark the passage of time so we remember to take stock once in a while. I'm not mid-life crisis-ing. I think I did that at 25, and it actually served me well, and put me on the path that got me where I am today. Maybe I need another crisis moment to take the next leap forward, but I'm going to take a few weeks and see if I can do that through some sort of mid-life peace instead.
(P.S. I know this post probably sounds quite self-serving, but I'm not sure anyone reads this thing other than me, so it's really directed at my most frequent reader. Maybe someday I'll turn this blog into something worth reading. Haven't seemed to find that spark yet, though).
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